whats-in-the-news wednesday

As always, the rules of whats-in-the-news is that I have no intention of ever actually taking the time to read these articles... my take on the days headlines in parenting, life, celebrity, everything.

Here she goes...

The two questions all parents of young kids should ask themselves - (1) Do you have an adequate supply of red wine in the house? (2) Do you own a good anti-aging cream or have access to enough money for the botox you will need to repair the damage of 5 years of inadequate sleep?

The good mother doesn’t exist. She’s a myth - Then call me Medusa bitch because I know I'm a good Mom and I know a few others too. This article must have been written in some other country... :p

McDonald's new Happy Meal: Will there be fries, I mean yogurt, with that? - Ok, get ready to judge me if you want but I don't care. Here's the thing... I think this NONSENSE of McDonald's offering healthier options with happy meals is INSANITY. McDonald's is NOT HEALTHY. It's not supposed to be healthy. If you're bringing your child to McDonald's for a healthy meal, I'm about to judge you because you're not the brightest bulb I've ever come by... It's supposed to be a TREAT. Obviously, for some people, this is not the case - so is it right, then, to lead kids to believe that McDonald's is healthy? Not in my opinion! So you throw some yougurt in the happy meal... um, do you want me to get my three year old to eat that before or after the fried nuggets and 10 fries you now include? Yeah. Me thinks not. When Jane and I go to McDonald's it's for a treat. And, personally, I'm of the belief that treats, in moderation (exc. pregnancy of course) are OK! Therefore, I'm OK with her having chicken nuggets and, Dear God No, french fries without apples and yougurt on occasion... I am pretty sure this will not kill her. I'm pretty sure I'm going to live as well. Grrrr.

Blame parents for teen tanning habits - Ultimately, parents are to blame for pretty much everything. Sometimes indirectly, but ultimately, your fault. And, Puuuulease... as if you don't notice your child looks like George Hamilton in March. I wasn't allowed to go to tanning salons when I was younger because my mom would have killed me. I went once. I was sure my mom was going to notice my burnt boobs and then all that would be recognizable on my corpse would be bright red boobs... that's how they'd identify me. Every Mom needs a "friend"... and friend who's 40 but looks 87 because they smoked and tanned. This friend is ultimately a scary example of what's to come for those who tan and smoke... like a life sized warning label.

Why mental stress may harm women more - Um, because men can't suffer from mental stress because they don't have any thoughts?

Why do engagement rings still matter? - This writer has obviously never been married. The engagement ring is basically like a bribe. Being married to a MAN is not easy. You're darn right I deserve a gift for even considering marrying your ass. In fact, you should give me one every 5-10 years too because I've stayed married to your ass. And, when I divorce you, I'm taking it all with me as a downpayment on the house you will also be paying half for in alimony payments. tee hee hee. ha ha ha. I'm hilarious.

Jessica Simpson Drops 20 Pounds Already? - ha ha ha. Again. This person obviously hasn't done his/her research OR been a mom before. I remember getting on the scale a day after Jane was born and being like HOLY CRAP, I'M A SUPERMODEL! You drop 15-20lbs easy in child birth - between baby's weight and fluid/placenta, etc. I remember being able to see my vagina again and being both frightened by what I saw and excited! It only takes like a week to start feeling fat again though. FYI.

That's all I got... Still zonkered from this stupid head cold which will not go away.

whats-in-the-news wednesday on THURSDAY

At this point, I don't know why I even bother specifying that I'm aware that I'm doing whats-in-the-news WEDNESDAY on a THURSDAY because I'm pretty sure no one would be surprised that I didn't truly know what day of the week it was. Basically, I go to work everyday until the girls at daycare tell me to "have a nice weekend" when I pick up Jane. :p

Here she goes...

Who co-sleeps? Who eats placenta? Test your knowledge of celebrity parents - Um. Yeah. A little bit of a jump, non? Who co-sleeps, who eats PLACENTA? No judgement but WTF? Are you kidding me. I don't want to know. Refusing to open this article and TEST my knowledge of celebrity parents. First of all, what parent has the time to test their knowledge of celebrity parents? Probably the same parents who have time to blog about parenting... insanity. :p

Teen burnout can be hard to spot - Because it doesn't exist? How the heck are TEENS burnt out? They don't live in the real world. This is all the fault of whatever the generation before ours is called that babied and protected (i.e. this there are no winners crap) their children so much that they have no idea how to deal with "bad" things when they happen. OR, the same generation that are into this competitive kids crap where they have their kids enrolled in so many sports and activities that the kids don't have any kid-time. When I was a teenager my activities consisted of: waking up, going to school, making out with my boyfriend, going home, doing homework, sleeping. The worst consequence was raw lips or that painful indent you got on your middle finger because you had to WRITE out your homework.

Infant wigs - I don't know if this article is a joke, but as always, I do not actually read the articles I'm talking about because (1) I don't have the time and (2) I just don't care. :p Infant wigs... ha ha ha. That is awesome. I'm getting Jane  an 80's perm wig for sure. Um. No. It already a battle enough getting Jane to pick out her CLOTHES in the morning, I'm not throwing picking out her hair into the mix. If this product exists, the only point I can see is for baby girls who don't get long flowy locks right away and, thus, are confused for boys. Here's a suggestion that isn't ridiculous - DRESS THEM IN PINK. I'm a genius, I know, no need to point it out.

Babies born before 39 weeks have lower IQs, study finds - how do they determine the IQ of a 39 week old? :p

Is it safe for breast-feeding mothers to drink alcohol? - Here's a study I want to see the results of - Post partum depression rates in new breastfeeding mothers who allowed themselves a glass of wine when necessary. Sometimes the benefits outweigh the risks. Here's a tip for the first-time-moms-to-be: Wine is often necessary for survival of sanity and marriage. This is also why God created breast pumps.

Daddy's baby blues: guilt, fatigue, angst - If Dan ever complained about have "baby blues", I'd give him baby black-and-blues. Cry me a river dude... I'll play the violins for ya.

Surrogate Mother Of 11: 'I'm Retiring My Uterus - You've birthed 11 children. Screw your uterus, send what's left of your vagina on a 30 year spa retreat.

Later gators.

whats-in-the-news wednesday

This is my easiest and most favourite post of the week... ah, how I love to make fun of others. :p

The twelve secrets of dining out with children - (1) candy, (2) bribery, (3) candy + bribery, (4) empty threats, (5) empty threats followed by bribery with candy, etc. You get the point. Here's a better suggestion, um... have you ever heard of take out? OR, there's this new thing called a babysitter. Golden.

Gifts at Easter? Since when is chocolate not enough? - Anyone who thinks chocolate is not the best gift in the world is either (1) stupid or (2) male (which goes hand-n-hand with number one). :p But I do agree. I know of parents who have bought huge gifts (like iPADs and crap) for Easter gifts. INSANITY. Listen, when I was growing up my mom did the best easter egg hunts. THE BEST. It was so much better than gifts. The hunt is awesome. Parents who substitute the hunt for gifts are lazy. Even when I was a "grown up" and didn't have kids, I used to do hunts for Dan. I don't care how old you are, finding chocolate hidden all over your house is like waking up in heaven. Kids won't remember the gifts in 10 years, they will remember the fun of the hunt though. We need to think like this more often. It ain't all about the $$ people.

10 wacky pregnancy cravings revealed by celebrities - I'm gonna guess this list includes mostly food that has more than -10 calories per serving (i.e. not lettuce leafs and papertowel). I have a theory that I know is not 100% accurate but, I think, has some merit - I have lots of theories in case it ain't obvious. Sometimes, I find, that the healthiest, tiniest, skinniest, most weight obsessed ladies are the same ones who put on 80 lbs during pregnancy. Not all. But sometimes. Example. Me. What I would call a normal sized chick. I put on 35 lbs with my first pregnancy. Not the ideal 25 lbs but not 70 lbs. Why? Because I always eat crap! I didn't get preggers and think WOOT WOOT, now I can eat for two. I eat for two on a regular basis. Some women who are extreme about being skinny and all that crap totally lose it during pregnancy and at their first taste of food with calories, are gonners. I take pleasure in watching them balloon because I am cruel.

Can a mathematical formula predict which celebrity unions will last? - Yes. I'm Einstein. Here it is. 1 + 1= divorce.

Our new friends keep bailing on our dinners - Dear Lord people, really? Can nobody take a hint? Is this person writing the article to try and find out how to get their "friends" to come to dinner... give me a break people. Your friends think you suck! If I don't call you back, I don't want to. If I don't email you back, I don't want to. If I don't show up to things you invite me to, I don't want to. Why can't people just understand that not everybody likes them? I'm positive there's a bazillion people who don't like me. Here's my strategy, I pretend they don't exist and, here's some rocket science, I don't invite them to dinner.

I met the love of my life at a bar - You and 99% of atlantic canadians, 100% of newfoundlanders. So what?

Bed. Time.

whats-in-the-news wednesday

Here she is... for those of you just tuning in. On Wednesdays, I pull a few headlines from the news, don't read the articles whatsoever (because I refuse to learn anything new) and make my comments on what I think the article is about...

Why do babies hiccup? - Who cares. Here's a better question. Why do babies cry. OR. Why do babies wake up during the night. OR. Why do babies make you gain 400 lbs when they only come out weighing 8lb 8oz.

Words most 2-year olds know - Here's a few... "No". "NO!" and "NOOOOOO!"

Carribean vacations that won't hurt your pocketbook - Instructions: Increase husband's life insurance policy to multi-millions. Book trip to Grenada. Tell him to meet you on the beach - you'll be the one dress as an "officer" (hint, hint, nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Tell him you like it rough. Your pocketbook will thank you. Going to hell for that one. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's probably better.

Decoding your man's oscar crush - Oh, Jeez, I wish I had the time of day to care who Dan was fantasizing about. As long as it's a female, I don't care. How's that.

10 questions you should ask yourself before having kids - I'm going to save you some time. Number one question - ARE YOU SELF-CENTERED or SELFISH? If the answer is undoubtedly yes or you even think it might be yes, you're screwed. The key to being a great parent, if you ask me, is happily (KEY KEY KEY) volunteering (not giving up) yourself to do whatever it takes to achieve the ultimate goal of parenting - a happy child.

Is it possible to over-love? - Oh my dear Lord. Seriously? We've got kids getting abused, in all kinds of horrible and unacknowledged ways and we're looking into whether you can over-love your kids. Give me a break. Yes b'y (here's come the newfie in me that comes out when I'm angry, drunk or tired)... so Jane's gonna grow up and end up in therapy, crying over the fact that I loved her too much. If you can over-love your kids, charge me and convict me baby. I remember when Jane was born, I got pimpled all around my mouth from kissing her baby-oil greased head so much I broke out for months. I still do it. She wipes 'um off now but I don't care. Sometimes I kiss her and wipe it off for her just because I love her so much.

50% of men have said this by accident - "I love you" or "will you marry me"... FYI, if it's said before, during of after sex, it's probably not true.

Everything you need to know about yoga - Here's the one thing I want to know about yoga. How do you not fart? All that moving around, legs in the air, bending, unbending, etc. And, if you've had a baby, sometimes other areas may hold excess air that must come out as well... somebody tell me the truth here. And, seriously, pre-natal yoga? Like, I'm not even 20 weeks and I'm already to the point that I "squeak" around the house without any chance of controlling anything below my boobs.

whats-in-the-news wednesday

OK, I was going to do my typical what's-in-the-news post and the first article I came across was titled "10 Things Never To Do To a Happy Baby"... so I'm thinking that it's going to say things like:

• Don't drop a happy baby
• Don't hit a happy baby
• Don't, basically, do anything to a happy baby - why mess with a good thing

Instead, it had a really nice list of things that all of us our guilty of doing, or nearly doing, at one time or another.

Here's my version of the list. It's the NOT-TO-DO list.

1. When your child falls asleep in the car, start singing loudly. Yell. Clap. Wiggle their legs aggressively. Honk the horn and swerve. Do whatever you can to keep them awake because you know they won't nap as long in the car as they will at home. In truth, I've pretty much actually done this because it's partially true. But, maybe, not recommended and definitely not intended to keep a child happy. 

2. Check your child's diaper regularly throughout the night. Anytime it's wet, or even damp, turn on the lights, give 'um and shake to wake 'um up and change that nasty diaper. It might take them an hour to fall back to sleep and you'll be exhausted for the first three years of their life, but it's definitely the best way to avoid diaper rash. 

3. Make sure that your child knows the correct way to colour a picture. If he or she deviates outside the lines or uses tries to use a blue crayon to colour Elmo, immediately take the crayons away and show him how it's done. In fact, lead by example all together and never let your child colour - you should be the only one doing the colouring until they understand how to do it properly. Creative expression is over rated.

4. If you've paid money for an expensive child show, exhibition, movie or amusement park, you keep your darn child there until closing time, tears or no tears. Get your money's worth. This is an important life lesson. 

5. Add salt, cheese or ketchup to your child's food without asking - every kid needs more sugar, salt and fat. They are part of the important building blocks of strong bones - like calcium and protein. 

6. When your child drops her beloved blankie or stuffed animal on the ground, freak out and throw it in the garbage in front of them. The ground is dirty and our children should be protected from every possible particle of dirt - this includes germs. Never let your child touch anything, ever. If, by God, they touch something like, dear Lord no, the handle of the Walmart shopping cart - immediately grab the Purell out of your purse and dunk them in it. Try to avoid the eyes, if possible. 

7. If your child seems completely comfortable and content, this is the time to adjust his pants or his t-shirt because it's not looking right. Tighten the belt, do up all the buttons, zip his chin in his jacket. Perfect. Well done. It's more important to look good than it is to be happy. 

8. See above. Also the perfect time to pull out the comb and pull it through that knot-ridden hair. This feels so good to kids, they love it. If you really want to win big, let them hang their head out the window while you drive for a few minutes, then bring out the comb. Try hard to avoid unnecessary things like detangler and gentleness as well. 

9. When your child is struggling with a puzzle or, in fact, struggling with anything... take over. Send them off to do something easier and finish the puzzle yourself. Kids have to learn that when life gets tough, you walk the heck away and let someone else solve your problems. 

10. Your preschool daughter prances out of her room in an outfit worthy of a circus performer. Tell her she looks like ridiculous, mock her a little, laugh out loud and then put her in the nice outfit your mother bought her from Gymboree. Implement a new rule - no picking out your own clothes until you move out of the house. You'll appreciate this rule more when she's 16. 

Happy Leap Year Day! :)

whats-in-the-news wednesday

Hey! It's actually wednesday and (1) I'm actually going to write a whats-in-the-news post and (2) SCORE it's actually wednesday! Woot woot! And, the only reason, is because I'm home with a sick baby and she's currently, knock on wood (I just put her up), sleeping...

Here she goes...

Your kid is melting down. Why it's important to keep your cool - Ah. What else are you going to do? Throw yourself on the floor of the grocery store and kick and scream along with 'um? Personally, keeping my cool with regards to Jane's meltdown is not an issue. Keeping my cool with the a**holes who walk by and stare at you as though you just kicked a small puppy, that's my issue. I want to physically hurt these people. I have a temper. And, when the stress of a public meltdown is upon me, I can't keep my mouth shut. Last time this happened, Jane was throwing a fit in the entrance of Sobeys over a sticker, I'm trying not to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation  and this freakin' 60-yr-old-who-def-owns-five-or-more-cats walks by and gives me the look... I wanted to throw something at her. Like I said, temper.

Are men disappointed if woman wears slimming garments? - Um. Not if we lived in the early 1900's when the slimming garments were hot little corsets. But, spanks. I think the disappointment might not be in the fact that when you're (I saw you're because I refuse to wear these - ask me again in 18 month when I'm wearing the full body version under my jeans) wearing them, it might be in the fact that by the time he finds out how the hell to get you out of them, the moment's passed baby. Added to the fact that granny panties and under garments that basically physically force your fat to squeeze down to non-normal areas of your body, are probably the world's biggest turn on... he's likely to think you sleep around you're so damn sexy. :p

The naked truth about bare male flesh - Um. I was distracted. Typically I would make some comment about how naked men generally make women uncomfortable but then I see that the pic for this article is of (sigh) David Beckham. So I click further, out of pure curiosity of course, nothing else. And find a video... with the tag line "does david beckham still have it?" Um. You tell me. Holy Mother of God, nevermind, you don't need to. If you think he's "losing it" you need to do some serious self-reflection on whether or not you may want to go on Rosie O'Donnell's next cruise (not that there's anything wrong with that!). I hate posh spice. Can I just say that. What kind of role model is this woman to her children? What kind of ridiculous expectations are her sons going to have of women - you cook me supper bitch but you eat that half-piece of lettuce and then barf it up. Someone needs to take her to Biggest Loser and force her to eat that big table of crap food they put out to tempt all the chubby people.



The Bachelor Canada: the race for the rose begins - First, please, pretty, please let someone I know be one of the chicks? Please. Canada's small. If you're an american, you're probably thinking - "don't all canadians know each other?" Which is partially insulting and partially true. :p Secondly, do you think this is going to be hilarious like me? I'm really interested to see the difference in the behaviour between the US chicks and the Canadian ones. Part of me thinks the Canadian chicks will be like... "oh, you like him too? oh. well then you should have him." "no you have him" "no you"... and so on. It's like when you fight over who should go through the door first or who should go through the stop sign first when two cars get there at the same time and you end up sitting there waving at each other back and forth until you both go at the same time, laugh, and then start all over again. Only in Canada baby.

Chris Brown, Rihanna collaborate on remixes - My blood boils. This is somewhat in line with my theory that many of the women who comes off as soooo confident, overly "women power" and/or super tough, are really just insanely insecure. Kim Kardashian. Jennifer Anniston. Madonna (why else the severe plastic surgery). I can't, for any other reason, understand WHY this woman is maintaining contact with this loser. Aside from him beating the crap out of her (as if it's not enough), the dude is just a pure loser - he's arrogant, disrespectful, and a bunch of other angering terms I can't think of without my blood pressure rising. How much you wanna bet they are back together but their PR people are keeping it on the DL?

Welcome to the blobosphere - Um. How unfair that someone should write an article about me without my permission.

7 SHOCKING discoveries about pregnancy - Notice the word I've highlighted. First item on the list - pregnant women are sexy. A woman wrote this article. She must not have kids. I bet she gets a lot of hate mail. No woman who has kids would list number one SHOCKING discovery as the fact that someone, somewhere, who might just be sober and not blind and without hands, might find a pregnant woman sexy. (2) Your breasts grow larger if you're having a girl. I wonder if a man commissioned this study - and volunteered himself to be the dude how has to measure the growth of boobs. (3) If you dream about baby's gender, you're likelier to be right. Um, if pregnancy dreams have any truth then I should be marrying Kris Humphries anytime now, that is, after I finish running from the alligator that's chasing me down the street into a classroom headed by Taylor Kitsch. (4) Nightmares are linked with faster deliveries. No comment. Who allowed this article to be published. (5) Skinny chicks are likelier to have daughters. Ah. See above re: Posh Spice and her fourteen sons. I just proved your study incorrect. Your welcome. I give up. I shall not continue.

On a brighter note - have you seen this yet?



"What if I just lay here... go ahead." BAH HA HA. I cried.

whats-in-the-news wednesday on FRIDAY!

I wasn't going to do the whats-in-the-news post this week because, well, I wasn't sure if anyone wanted me too. Then I run into one of my fav daycare teachers on Wednesday who proceeds to tell me she's been looking forward to it all week and here I went and blabbed about my stupid skinny jeans!! OOPS!

So, in the interest of keeping the people happy... here she goes.

"baby's better off feeding himself" - I bet this was based on a study. FANTASTIC. My baby will be better off feeding himself! Woot WOOT! No more waking up through the night with a newborn. All I have to do is leave one of my boobs in the crib and say "deal, bitch!" and go to sleep.

"spanking your kid: does it help or hurt?" - Oh my nerves, I was listening to one of these guys talk the crap outta this on news radio today... talking about how kids who are spanked are like devil people when they grow up or something. Remember when they said that about all of us because we watched too much TV? I think somewhere along the line, spanking and child abuse became synonymous. Here's my thing - do what YOU feel is necessary to be loving, supportive and guiding parents. If YOU feel that a little tap-tap on the bum is necessary in extreme conditions to be used as a last resort, that's your decision. GOOD parents KNOW the difference between discipline and abuse. If you don't know where the line is or want to ask me what I think the line is, then you shouldn't spank your kids. I, personally, do not spank Jane and do not plan to. With that said, I have definitely given her a tap on the leg or something, almost instinctual without thought, a few times when she did something that was dangerous. Was I spanked myself, no. But my Mom had a wooden spoon. And, oh my dear Lord, if the wooden spoon came out we sobbed from fear... and my mom would take that wooden spoon and barely touch it to the top of our hands - like, literally, barely touch. And, holy moly, we would screech. My Mom always said, raising kids is a healthy mix of love and a little bit of fear.

"how to put out the fire when hatred flares up between siblings" - I laughed when I read this. My sister and I are 18 months apart. We're a lot alike and a lot different. We used to fight over everything. When we fought and wouldn't work it out, my Mom would lock us in the bathroom and we had to stay in there until we told each other one reason why we loved the other. It's hilarious when I think of it. We'd stand in there huffing and puffing for several minutes, whining at Mom and shooting death stares at each other. Eventually, we'd come up with something like "I love Nancy because she lets me use her hair brush" and that sufficed. One of two things happened - we came out laughing or we came out grouchy with Mom instead of each other. Mission accomplished.

"10 signs your spouse may be planning to divorce you" - I'll save you a TON of time. If you feel like you need to read this article because you want to know the signs, you're probably in for a divorce in the future.

"Sex and the Web" - What your search history says about your desires" - Um, online shopping turns me on?

"Four reasons Madonna rocked the Super Bowl" - I'm sorry. I'm not hating on Madonna, she's Madonna. But Madonna rocks a concert. Madonna rocks the grammys. Madonna rocks a face lift like no one else. Madonna does not rock the SUPERBOWL. Bon Jovi rocks the superbowl. Rolling Stones rock the superbowl. Bruce Springstein rocks the superbowl. Notice the lack of "Black Eyed Peas rock the superbowl" - who the F is making these decisions?? Do women like football yes. I love it. But, anyone who says the superbowl is not "made for the boys" is insane. I am cool with this. Give the boys something. Women own the rest of the world, give the men their superbowl. Do you really think your husband thought Madonna rocked the superbowl? Um. No. Did I sing along with Like a Prayer. Hell yes. Did my husband leave the room to have a pee and get some more chips? Guaranteed. Next year, maybe they'll have Il Divo, or Backstreet Boys OR better yet BSB and NKOTB!! :p


"Please your partner (and yourself) with a spousal RRSP" - See above re: signs your spouse is planning to divorce your ass. If THIS is your idea of how to please your partner, your partner is planning to divorce you. She's probably just waiting until you put all that money in her name before she hits the road.

The end. Happy Friday! :)

whats-in-the-news wednesday

Since I enjoyed it so much last week...

Here's my thoughts on this weeks headlines. Last week, I stuck to parenting. This week I may broaden my horizons in the interest of being a well-rounded writer (and giving fair mockery to all topics).

"Woman delivers 13 pound baby - naturally" - Can I just say that a watermelon is a watermelon when we're talking about trying to push it through a paper towel roll? Not taking away the credit this Mom deserves, but your vagina doesn't realize how big the baby is... my vagina didn't say "hey, this baby's only 8lbs 8oz - that ain't so bad!!!" My vagina said "holy f*$%" followed by more inappropriate words in the weeks that followed. We all deserve to have a story in the Globe and Mail after we deliver - drugs or no drugs, it's not a joy ride... SECOND to all that, do you think the woman KNEW she was having a 13 lb baby? Do you think, perhaps, if someone had said - "hey lady, your baby is going to be record breakingly monstrous and your vagina is going to be a mangled mess for the rest of your life... in fact, it's going to make international headlines" - would she have said, "nah, I'll pass on the happy-place drugs and the c-section" then?

 "Say cheese: Are school photos gold - or just old" - Are you old enough to remember trading your photos with your friends in junior high and high school? It was like the social standing determinant... if the cool kids gave you a picture that had a personal message on it, you were IN baby. Added to the fact that in fifteen-twenty years those pictures are going to make people at your wedding cry because they are so ridiculously indicative of the time period and how "old" you are - oh dear, everyone should have been able to live through the 80's. Did anyone else have a "mushroom cut"?? School photos are pure GOLD. Check out Jane's from this year... Priceless, non? I couldn't find any of my school pics as they are packed up like treasures at my parent's house - but, just as effective, here's a Glamour Shot of my sis and I - a true gem - nothing like dressing ten-year-olds up in S&M gear. Unclear in the photo but, yes, I am wearing a studded collar.

"Pfizer recalls birth control pills, says tablets may not prevent pregnancy" - Oops! My bad!

"How do I get the waiter to choose me to taste the wine?" - Seriously? THIS is your big life question? Who are you? Can I be you for a day... Oh, dear, my life is so rough... I can never get the waiter to choose me to test the wine. How will I get through? What is the meaning of life if I can't swirl and sniff? HELP ME GOD, PLUUUUEASE! I hate tasting the wine. Everyone watches you. I swirl. I sniff, like I know what I'm supposed to be smelling (ah, smells like wine? smells like red wine?) and then I taste... tastes like red wine to me. SCORE! Then I nod. That'll do. That'll do just fine, tyvm.

"Do moms discriminate against dads?" - I had to read the actual article for this one to figure out what the heck they were talking about. At first, I thought it meant, do moms think they're better than dads - to which, of course, the answer is YES. DUH! I'm the queen baby. I know all. I'm the perfect parent. So Dan can get Jane off her nummy AND bobbies (soother and bottles) in two days, when I'm out of town... big whoop! I pick out the best outfits and can do a pony-tail better than any man, any day! You should see the way I cut up an apple - magnificent. Anyways. This article is actually about a controversy caused by a sleepover for girls hosted by a single dad... tricky? Hmmm. Upon initial thought, I feel it's tricky because I automatically, and incorrectly I know, assume the worse of all men. However, do I think we should be any more skeptical and scrutinizing over allowing our babes to sleep-over at a single dad's house vs. a house owned by two, apparently normal, parents. Heck no baby. There are some crazy-ass women out there - Octomom anybody? All fine and dandy till your five-year-old comes home with boob implants and a new set of lips - "look what we did mommy!"

"How to get Angelina's glowing look" - Hmmm. Let me guess. Starve yourself 6 days out of 7 and on the seventh day, eat only tomato juice and one sheet of paper towel. Then smear baby oil all over yourself before you step out in public. Mission: achieved.

"The many failings of men in 2011" - Including key lessons learned such as "don't touch somebody who doesn't want to be touched" and "don't expose your privates in public". Very important we ensure our husbands are aware of these updates to social expectations from last year. Do you think there's any link between a list like this and the aforementioned "discriminating against men"?? Did you know "aforementioned" is one word? There's your women's lesson learned for the day - being that I'm fairly certain you're aware that showing your vagina in public is somewhat taboo nowadays.

"Women still doing the bulk of multitasking, Study" - Holy Mother of God. Another worthwhile study examining an important, life-changing-life-saving, topic. And the findings? Well I just about fell on the floor. Women? Multitasking? You might as well have told me that you did a study and found women do the bulk of the cooking and cleaning too - like holy crap, stop the presses.

Ok, cutting myself off. Cause I just read this headline "My in-laws brought dumpster food to a dinner party" and between this and the man list thing, I'm getting serious concerns for the future of the planet.

whats-in-the-news wednesday

I've been sitting here for fifteen minutes trying to pick my brain for something to talk about today. This is the problem of suffering with mommy brain and trying to carry on a "conversation" that's supposed to be somewhat entertaining or educational on a regular basis.

Then I checked out the Globe and Mail parenting section for inspiration and thought the headlines could make for some funny commentary. So here it is - a review of the latest in parenting headlines...

"Obese children more likely to be bullies: study" - OK, I'm not saying that all obese children are bullies. But have these people ever seen a movie from the 80's?

"Don't take what your kids say so personally" - Do we really need to read an article on this? Were none of us hormonal teenagers who screeched "I HATE YOU" before the sound of our slamming door reverberated throughout the entire neighbourhood? Is reverberated a word? Is it the right word? I remember telling my mother on multiple occasions that I was going to call Kids Help Phone on her... only to have her respond "go for it. no ones going to believe you anyways". HA! I don't think Mom took anything personally. What's with parents these days?

"Unnatural selection: Is evolving reproductive technology ushering in a new age of eugenics?" - I don't know what that means.

"Don't wait too long to get pregnant, obstetric society tells women" - Is this new? Why do people persist on studying things that are already known. I heard of a recent study where the key finding was that the reason people dropped friends on Facebook was because they said something to offend them. Really? Lets study whether people believe the sky is blue on a sunny day! I wonder what the findings would say??? Who funds this crap? We don't have a cure for cancer but we're funding studies about Facebook friends???

"Is extreme exercise ok during pregnancy" - What crazy person wants to exercise extremely during pregnancy. Send me her email. I'll do a study. I bet the findings will be that she's freakin' nuts.

"High dose of caffeine is safe and effective for preemies, study finds" - Does this mean I should start drinking more coffee now? :p

"The weird and wonderful world of celebrity baby names" - Apple, Moses, Blue, Bronx, Kyd, Bear, Moraccan, Blanket... Sometimes I wonder if celebrities are so obsessed with being on the front page that they make these names up so that people talk about it for like three days straight (God, I thought the Beyonce crap would never end) but in reality they named their kids Bob and Mary.

"Dirty parenting secret: I bribe my kid with candy" - This is not a secret, this is a survival instinct. "Sometimes I pretend I have to use the bathroom so I can read a magazine by myself" - that's a dirty parenting secret.

"Dirty parenting secret: I drugged our kid for a flight" - No idea what this person is talking about. We gave Jane Benadryl once before a flight but she clearly indicated she was having an allergic reaction and should be treated immediately with antihistamines... :p

"HPV vaccine could deter safe sex, study finds" - When I was a teenager, safe sex meant doing it when your parents weren't home (sorry Dad, I love you).

"The best defense against bullying" - Ah, this I am interested in... being that the other day, at an indoor playground, this stupid little boy hit Jane in the face for no reason. So, we're headed back to the playground again this past weekend and Jane says to me "No one hit me". My response? "No baby, no one hit you. If anyone hits you, Mommy will beat them up". HA. Seriously. Usually I tell her "you tell mommy if someone hits you" but, you know what, in truth I want to tell her "you hit them harder, then you come tell mommy".

"I moved my kid to the class all her friends weren't in" - see above story on "Don't take what your kids say so personally" and reverse it. You kid probably does hate you.

"We're raising four kids in a two kid world" - Who's "we". I don't know anyone who has four kids.

Hmmm... that was kind of fun. Maybe I'll make this a regular thing. Thoughts? Funny or boring? I had fun and, being that I tend to be selfish and grumpy when I'm pregnant, I'm going to vote it a funny and do it again. :p

Happy Hump Day!