whats-in-the-news wednesday

OK, I was going to do my typical what's-in-the-news post and the first article I came across was titled "10 Things Never To Do To a Happy Baby"... so I'm thinking that it's going to say things like:

• Don't drop a happy baby
• Don't hit a happy baby
• Don't, basically, do anything to a happy baby - why mess with a good thing

Instead, it had a really nice list of things that all of us our guilty of doing, or nearly doing, at one time or another.

Here's my version of the list. It's the NOT-TO-DO list.

1. When your child falls asleep in the car, start singing loudly. Yell. Clap. Wiggle their legs aggressively. Honk the horn and swerve. Do whatever you can to keep them awake because you know they won't nap as long in the car as they will at home. In truth, I've pretty much actually done this because it's partially true. But, maybe, not recommended and definitely not intended to keep a child happy. 

2. Check your child's diaper regularly throughout the night. Anytime it's wet, or even damp, turn on the lights, give 'um and shake to wake 'um up and change that nasty diaper. It might take them an hour to fall back to sleep and you'll be exhausted for the first three years of their life, but it's definitely the best way to avoid diaper rash. 

3. Make sure that your child knows the correct way to colour a picture. If he or she deviates outside the lines or uses tries to use a blue crayon to colour Elmo, immediately take the crayons away and show him how it's done. In fact, lead by example all together and never let your child colour - you should be the only one doing the colouring until they understand how to do it properly. Creative expression is over rated.

4. If you've paid money for an expensive child show, exhibition, movie or amusement park, you keep your darn child there until closing time, tears or no tears. Get your money's worth. This is an important life lesson. 

5. Add salt, cheese or ketchup to your child's food without asking - every kid needs more sugar, salt and fat. They are part of the important building blocks of strong bones - like calcium and protein. 

6. When your child drops her beloved blankie or stuffed animal on the ground, freak out and throw it in the garbage in front of them. The ground is dirty and our children should be protected from every possible particle of dirt - this includes germs. Never let your child touch anything, ever. If, by God, they touch something like, dear Lord no, the handle of the Walmart shopping cart - immediately grab the Purell out of your purse and dunk them in it. Try to avoid the eyes, if possible. 

7. If your child seems completely comfortable and content, this is the time to adjust his pants or his t-shirt because it's not looking right. Tighten the belt, do up all the buttons, zip his chin in his jacket. Perfect. Well done. It's more important to look good than it is to be happy. 

8. See above. Also the perfect time to pull out the comb and pull it through that knot-ridden hair. This feels so good to kids, they love it. If you really want to win big, let them hang their head out the window while you drive for a few minutes, then bring out the comb. Try hard to avoid unnecessary things like detangler and gentleness as well. 

9. When your child is struggling with a puzzle or, in fact, struggling with anything... take over. Send them off to do something easier and finish the puzzle yourself. Kids have to learn that when life gets tough, you walk the heck away and let someone else solve your problems. 

10. Your preschool daughter prances out of her room in an outfit worthy of a circus performer. Tell her she looks like ridiculous, mock her a little, laugh out loud and then put her in the nice outfit your mother bought her from Gymboree. Implement a new rule - no picking out your own clothes until you move out of the house. You'll appreciate this rule more when she's 16. 

Happy Leap Year Day! :)