May 22, 2012

not quite the distraction i was hoping for...

Ah, the good ol' days... the days of 15 weeks pregnant, when I thought I was HUGE and was worried everyone was just thinking I had chubby-mummy syndrome vs. thinking I was pregnant. I remember trying on these beautiful fushia wedges from Aldo, thinking, these would be the perfect way to distract everyone away from my growing belly over the summer - bright, beautiful shoes!

Flash forward to 31 weeks pregnant. Here's the good news...

(1) NO ONE is going to think I'm just a chubby-mummy anymore. I am definitely, full-fledged, pregnant. So, my husband, who is KNOWN for saying stupid things stupidly (which means, he's not a dick he just is THAT dumb), says to me this morning "and you know you're gonna get like way bigger than this too right"... translation = your huge and it's shocking to everyone around you that you are going to somehow, manage, to get even bigger. Thanks idiot. :p I love him despite this generally lack of common sense with how to talk to pregnant women.
(2) I have a distraction! It's my face! WOOT WOOT! No one's looking at my belly and saying "ah, such a cute belly" or "look how big you're getting" because they are all looking at my face saying "ohhhhh...." after I explain to them why I look like a cross between a battered woman and someone suffering from a skin-eating condition. I actually had someone say to me today, "let me see your face", as if it were some freaky science experiment that everyone wants to see up close! :p

My skin "condition" - apparently a fungal infection but all around mess and pain in the a** - was doing fantastically all weekend. I even thought I was starting to look "normal" again yesterday. THEN, I am woken up this morning by this stinging, itchy sensation in the right corner of my eye. I knew before checking the mirror that it wasn't good. Well, it ain't as bad as it was last week, but it ain't "normal"! And, lord does it itch. And, oh my good Lord, am I the worst person for having flaking skin because I just love to pick at crap so I'm picking at myself all day long. ARGH!

Boo hoo eh? Poor me... healthy pregnancy, no life-threatening issues, great job, happy family, and all I do is whine about my face. But, seriously. C'MON! As if we pregnant fatties don't have it bad enough - fat bellies, stretch marks, gigantic boobs with hideous nipples, dare I say it out loud - gas,  hair that grows a bazillion times faster than normal - great for the head, not for the legs which we cannot shave without doing horrifying yoga poses that no one should witness. I am not one of those "I love being pregnant and feel so beautiful and sexy" crazy people (no, really?), like Beyonce who I dislike as much as humanly possible. I feel crappy and grumpy and everything my husband says translates into "you are huge and hideous" even when he says " you look gorgeous". And, so, the fact that my face has also failed me is just icing on the cake.

Here are my two, completely vain and egotistical fears that I would only share with you:
(1) This rash, infection, whatever is spreading (as I now have some sort of spot on my cheek that I'm hoping is just coincidental) and will, one day, cover the entirety of my face so that when the baby arrives, he/she will take one look at "mommy" and run back up my vagina.
(2) That it will not disappear after the baby arrives... and I'll be itchy, oozy, red face for the remainder of my days. I mean, c'mon! As if post-baby isn't beat-yourself-up time enough! Gimme and break that would suck!

In the meantime, I know all of this CRAP will be worth it in the end... Look at the first "in the end" I got out of pregnancy number one... a video of my beautiful "baby" who, through it all, makes me happier than I've ever ever been every day by just waking up in the morning and smiling at me... how did she get so big, so quick!

Wishing you a distraction-free pregnancy on all accounts! :)

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