Jul 21, 2010

Celebrity Rant

Dear Tom Cruise,
I'm pretty certain I'm like the only person left in the world who doesn't think you're some crazy alien-loving weirdo... therefore, you should definitely send me some money. Thank you. PS - Wish you were taller or that someone hadn't pointed out to me just how short you are.

Dear Mel Gibson,
Seriously? You used to be so hot. Look up "money can't buy you happiness" in the dictionary and there you are... hmmm, then again, maybe you're happy, you're just psychotic.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,
Holy S***. If you were my daughter, I would have handcuffed you to a rehab bed and left you there... like 10 years ago.

Dear Taylor Lautner and Zac Efron,
How come 17 yr old boys didn't look like you when I was 17?

Dear Angelina Jolie,
I like you but you need to eat a sandwich. Workout plan? Oh, yeah, "chasing around 45 kids" or whatever you have... yeah, sure. Probably nothing to do with the fact that you are likely a vampire or some creepy crap and are still living off Billy Bob Thorton's blood. Eat something, you're not a good role model for you daughters when you weigh less than them!

Dear Justin Beiber,
I wish there were more reasons to dislike you but you're just so darn cute and I can't help but get your songs in my head.... baby, baby, baby ohhhhhhh.

Dear Taylor Swift,
I love that you are such a good role model for the little ladies (and, whateves, I admit that I love your crazy teenage songs). But do something questionable, at least once or you're going to end up like Britney in 5 years - shaving your head, stealing clothes from the homeless and pretending they are acceptable outside-the-house wear. The whole dating John Mayer thing was on the right track... Keep tryin.

Dear TV people,
What gives you the right to take the summers off? Every one else (teachers excluded, they deserve it and don't make a bazillion a year) has to work all year round... suck it up. I'm sick of watching So You Think You Can Dance and HGTV cause nothing else is on.

Dear Justin Timberlake,
When did we forget that you had a curly blond "fro" and sang songs like "Dirty Pop" and "Bye, Bye, Bye" (which I'm not saying I didn't like... 15 years ago!). And people say Tommie Boy is a brain washer... you've even convinced 50 cent you're not a fanny boy. You drive me crazy.

Dear Kim Kardashian,
Give me your body and your hair and, as long as I can keep my daughter and my husband, can I have your rich NFL boyfriends too? Thanks girlfriend!

Dear Jennifer Anniston,
Time to give up on the rom-coms honey. You either need to try to pitch a "Rachel on my own" TV series or just give up. Oh, and don't dare do another movie with douchebag Gerard Butler anymore... yucko.

Dear Bachelor/Bachelorette Casting People,
Enough with the douchebags already... perhaps a new screening process like ASKING people if they have girlfriends first?!?! OR, maybe (this is revolutionary I know) NOT casting chicks that are "aspiring actors/models". Point two - maybe, instead of sending people off to Hawaii, all expenses paid with helicopter ride after yacht ride, you could send people to Moncton, NB and see how long the romance lasts then... just an idea.

Dear Will Smith,
Time for another movie. Oh, and, whenever you're ready to propose, I'm ready. Cept that little Karate Kid of yours needs a lesson in being humble... 11 year olds shouldn't be acting like "playas" on the Today Show.

Dear Helen Fielding,
Time for a new Bridget Jones - either a new character or a new story - Bridget Jones has a baby or something. Not only because it's funny but because Renee Scally-wagger is probably dying to have something to eat by now.

Dear Sookie Stackhouse (From True Blood for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about),
Time to give Eric some loving. Bill's WAY over. Alcide will do for next season. Your welcome for the story idea.

The end. For now. :)

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Janine said...

OMG, so funny, this post cracked me up!!

Peta said...

Yep gotta agree on the True Blood comment.

Angelene said...

Love it! Thanks for the laughs!! Definitely feeling you on the Will Smith comments! ;)

Meg said...

Totally agree, esp with the TV people rant and the True Blood rant. Gimmie some Eric any day!! BTW have you ever read the series that the show is based on? Soooo good, but so much different.