Jul 23, 2009

Dear Boobs

Dear Boobs,

First off, thank you. It's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that you, after 26 years of basically doing nothing but costing me extra dough in bras, are now nurturing my baby Jane. It's so strange when I think that there's MILK coming out of you! MILK! I mean how weird would it be if I could cut a piece of tenderloin off my thigh or pick apples from my hair?!?!

I think I shall name you as it suddenly feels necessary as you've each taken on a personality of your own. Left boob, you will be called Bertha... as you consistently engorged yourself and end up squirting Jane in the face every time she feeds from you. Right boob, you will be Bessie... because you are fairly well behaved and slightly smaller than Bertha! ha ha ha.

I realize you owe me nothing after the sacrifice you've made since I got pregnant... you've grown, changed colour, been chewed to death and are basically unrecognizable to me from my pre-pregnancy tah-tahs. However, I'm a woman and "if you give a mouse a cookie"... so, what I'm asking is not a simple task and may, in fact, be impossible. Here we go - any chance that, when I'm done breastfeeding, you could not deflate too such an extreme that I have to get larger pants so that you can be tucked into the waistline? I think it's going to be hard enough to get my sexy back without having to worry about picking my boobs up off my lap when I stand up.


Jen :)

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Unknown said...

I am almost gaging i am laughing so hard....I actually now refer to my post baby boobs as "fun bags" kindly nicknames by my loving man! My dear sister says "aw get a lift" as I respond...."lift what...you cant life deflated skin!" In order to "fix" these babies I would need to have something in there to resemble a boob like structure....I currently own UTTERS....you heard me baby fun bag utters.....say it with me now MOO MOO!!!

At least I can look at my beautiful Parker everyday and say "thank you my Angel for my fun sacs....a fond memory of our special bond!!
Enjoy Bertha and Bessie because Bee and Sting may be in the near future!
With Love
Deflated ;)

Jen said...

Your comment is priceless... you need to start collaborating with me on my posts.

Love you bee stings...

Bessie and Bertha (and Jen)

MommyBrain said...

Funny, just before clicking the link to your latest post, I reached behind me and undid my bra ... because my pregnancy boobs are killing me, and the tightness of this darn bra - already a cup size larger than pre-pregancy - just isn't working for me ... as I reach for the rocky road ice cream.

Also thought you'd enjoy this post I wrote after breastfeeding my firstborn: http://mommybrainnw.blogspot.com/2008/08/nothing-but-bs-flattened.html (scroll down for the part about the tah-tahs). I am not usually one to talk about my "girls" but this post is an exception :)

Jen said...

That post is priceless...

Anonymous said...

I am almost falling off my chair over here! I know what you mean! I always said when I was younger I would never breastfeed but it is the most wonderful experience I have ever had!

Emily said...

You're hilarious darling. :)