Jul 3, 2012

Dear Mother Nature

As a long term inhabitant of your residences, I feel it appropriate to inform you of a few recent, but less-than-ideal, experiences I have encountered during this adventure you would refer to as "life"...

First of all, I'd like to know what reasoning was put forth, aside from requirements for procreation, to commit two beings who are so completely opposite of each other that they spend most of the day trying not to eliminate the other from existence? May I suggest that, moving forward, you consider two separate residences for each of the two human species (as they cannot be of the same classification being that their differences are so abundant and apparent). Perhaps an annual mating day and then separation again to different corners of the universe?

Unfortunately, I've come to terms with the fact that these beings, of the species "male", would be unable to handle the pressures, stress, exhaustion, etc. that accompanies child bearing - mostly from having witnessed the struggles of these creatures during the course of a minor cold. However, would it not make sense for them to have been injected with some sort of understanding, empathy, etc. for the shear feat that it is to create an ENTIRELY NEW HUMAN BEING inside ones body for TEN MONTHS?!?! Just a suggestion for future improvements if the above recommendation is not taken into consideration.

Along those same lines, I am curious why it is that in the process of creating such wonderful little human beings, along with weight gain, exhaustion, back pain, cramps, and the resulting, fantastic but body-destroying labour, the women of your community are also subjected to further punishment in the form of stretch marks, weak bladders, saggy boobs, rashes, swelling, acne, insomnia, etc.? And those are just the minor aggravations of your pregnant females. Mother Nature, I hate to question your intentions but are you, perhaps, on the wrong team? If I were to make a suggestion - perhaps the results of such a long and strenuous pregnancy could be any combination of the following:

  • Teenage-boy level metabolism
  • Perfectly round and perky breasts
  • Saddlebag elimination
  • Cellulite obliteration
  • Instantaneous six-pack abs
  • Noxzema-girl skin

Something to consider.

On the topic of the weather. I understand that it is summer. I am both satisfied and made happier by the sunshine. However, it would be fantastic if you could either (1) turn down my internal temperature or (2) crank back on the 30 degree weather, just a little bit. Perhaps setting a limit at 25 might be a happy medium for all? Perhaps a resident survey is in order - I will draft.

Lastly, with reference to my upcoming labour and delivery. I would like to make a formal request for early delivery on the basis of wanting to harm somebody if I have to carry on much longer. In the interest of public safety, it is best that labour be initiated as early as next Monday morning with duration lasting no more than 3-4 hours. I would prefer a morning appointment beginning at approximately 9am so that we can drop Jane off to daycare first, and so that my male partner is able to pick up Jane at the end of the day without much disruption to her daily schedule. Most importantly, obviously, I would like you to order up a healthy baby.

Wishing you a wonderful evening.

Yours truly,

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