Mar 29, 2012

top ten crappy pregnancy symptoms

Been wanting to share some of my less than ideal pregnancy symptoms with you... just in case (1) you haven't reached that point yet (2) you aren't pregnant yet or (3) your male and you have some morbid interest in how crappy it is to be pregnant sometimes.

Top Ten CRAPPY pregnancy symptoms:

(1) Alert the media... crappiest thing about being pregnant. Getting FAT. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's worth it. Still sucks.

(2) The little silver colored zebra stripes that reach from back to front of your belly, ass, boobs - you know, all the things that you focus on when you watch a victoria's secret fashion show... a.k.a. stretch marks and the fear of them. Avoided them with number one, praying for a second lucky streak. Unlikely.

(3) Giant, itchy, dark-nippled, veiny boobs that turn into deflated sacks post-nursing.

(4) Noises squeaking out of places they shouldn't without control. I dare not say the F word. It's one of the worst symptoms for me, personally, as this is something I ridiculed my mother for my entire life. Now, God is punishing me.

(5) Peeing my pants all day, every day, without control and for various and numerous reasons - I hold my crotch when I sneeze, I dribble if I even think about having to pee, when I cough, when I laugh too hard, when I jog, pretty much everything. I am pretty much guaranteed a trip to the urologist after this pregnancy. The other day, in the cosco parking lot, I was eating an ice cream (I went to cosco and all I got was this ice cream!) and walking back to my car. This sweet old man (like 75 plus sweet, not creepy) rolls down his car window as he's driving by and says "awwww. Can I have some?" To which I laughed and said "It's sooo good!" He smiles and says "I bet your married, aren't you? The most beautiful things are always taken..." I laughed and smiled and told him he made my day and peed my pants. No reason. Just peed my pants.

(6) The pimples, skin reactions, rashes, etc. I have them on my face, they itch, they're red, they flake. It's sexy. I also have this rash on the seams of my hip joints, that's itchy and annoying... and it looks like I'm scratching my crotch. So, I'm either scratching my crotch or holding it.

(7) Acid reflux. The other day I threw up in my mouth and had to swallow it.

(8) Crying about nothing. I am not a cryer. I don't judge cryers, but you annoy me. :p ha ha ha. I cry over commercials, stories, memories, everything.

(9) Never using the bathroom, like never. Where does all that food go? Sorry. I know it's gross. But seriously? No wonder I'm putting on a "little more" weight than my doc likes to see... half of it is crap. Literally!

(10) Being tired. All the time. After 10 hours of sleep and two naps. Exhausted.

(11) I know I said 10 but I just thought of one more. My bulging right bicep. Just the right one. From carrying Jane's entire weight in my arm because I have no hips anymore. Just bulging belly.

For those of you trying to get pregnant or early in pregnancy. Enjoy! Your welcome!

1 comment:

Janine Hussey said...

The skin thing is driving me nuts too, I can't seem to exfoliate or moisturize or even micro-dermabrase enough to keep my skin in half good shape. Come up with any solutions yet??