Mar 6, 2012

this one's for the girls...

WARNING: This post contains information that may be harmful to certain readers - MEN - reader discretion is advised. In other words, if you're a man (1) why are you reading a mommy blog and (2) I would advise, to avoid cranial explosion, that you find something else to read immediately or else, I'm about to blow your mind - because you're not going to understand this post at all.

One of my goals for this blog is to provide you with strategies for survival when you have kids. Necessary for survival: girlfriends. Necessary for peace of mind, acceptance, reassurance, love, understanding and sympathy: girlfriends with kids.

This post is going to be the easiest thing to write. Why? Because it's already written. Here's a facebook conversation between my girlfriend, Janine (originally, I wasn't going to use her real name because she didn't sign up to have her crap posted for the entire world to see, but she's apparently more like me than I imagined and doesn't give to s****) and I from the other week. This was just after the incident with the cops visiting me and my girlfriend had messaged me basically saying she had the exact same experience (only slightly worse, sorry Janine :p) and, again, gave me peace of mind that I wasn't a total nutball - maybe just like 65% nutball... Background info: we're both pregnant too.

To keep things organized, I'll do my messages in purple and hers in black.

Dearest Scaredy cat friend,
Home alone tonight again... thoughts on locking the cat in the dogs crate during the night time to avoid future 1am police visits?
Currently I am not seeing the cons to this POA... can you think of any?
xo Jen

NONE. Absolutely none. They'll bond in there which is a win-win for everyone!! 
I FEEL FOR YOU!! I hate the heightened anxiety on nights when I'm home alone and can't have wine to ease the ol' nerves. MAN, I miss wine...
I was going to write you earlier to say the following, but my fingers got too sticky to use the laptop (you'll see why): Secret Confession I Can't Admit To Anyone Else That Would Understand - Brenna's home sick so I've been off work since Friday with her. Eoin has worked non-stop and won't be home til late tonight. When I stopped by the Pharmacy after her docs appt this afternoon I loaded up "for the night". Got home at 330pm. By 4pm while she was napping I ate the whole "load". A bag of Bold BBQ Doritos (yes, the entire bag...big bag), a 3-pack of Cadbury Cream Eggs and a can of Zoodles that I decided would be my supper. Yup. That happened. AND to top it off, I just texted Eoin and told him I'm having pregnancy cravings so if he gets home before midnight he has to bring me sour candy. Lie Number 1: I don't get pregnancy cravings, these are just normal, regular cravings that I now have an excuse for. Lie Number 2: More an omission, I have no intention of telling him about my earlier "eats". Lie Number 3: I have half a DQ cake in the basement freezer that I also have no intention of telling him about either. :S I am destined to put on 90 pounds before this baby arrives!!!
I'll be thinking of you and sending you positive vibes so that damn alarm doesn't go off!! And for your pets to behave themselves!!

ha ha ha, YOU ARE ME! 
I always tell people I'm half-bulimic... I binge but I forget to purge. 
Jane was sick this week too, waking up at 4am... so, of course, even though it has no impact, I use my exhaustion as an excuse to eat horrible amounts of food.
Friday supper - McDonalds. Friday after supper - I tell Dan I'm tired and I want crap food to which he responds, "urgh I don't want to eat crap tonight"... to which I respond with silence because in my head I'm going through my list of top ten dan treats to determine which to hit him with. OREOS. WIN! A bag (big bag) of mrs. vickies jalapeno chips and a row of oreos later and I was content. This was after I ate an entire mcnugget meal, including the fact that I stole a bunch of dan's fries (he got a super sized!) before he opened the bag... of course, he says "jesus, where's all my fries" when he opens it and I respond "oh, i know, i barely had any either!" 

So, then. I have this stupid bag of oreos in the house... Write off the entire weekend. Dan had 3 total. They were gone by Sunday. 
Um, and I just finished the second bag of jalapeno chips today for my afternoon "snack". 
Literally, went to the gstore today to get some tofu for jane's supper (LIE) with the intention of grabbing some goodies for tonight. i couldn't even think of anything. THATS how bad I've been eating. I've been eating SO BADLY that I'm sick of all my favourite crap foods. So, I just ate licorice which I pretty much hate. And, I'm having my third "low fat, vegan, chocolate oat frozen cookie thingie" of the night. 
OH, I made myself a goat cheese pizza for dinner. Like on a flat bread from PC, that usually would feed at least two people. I ate 3/4 of the whole thing. 
PS - I don't get cravings that are pregnancy related either - I just get 'um period and then I can think of nothing else until I get what I want...

We are so so so so similar, its scary!! Even as I hit send I thought "wait, what if she really does think my eating is over the top? I'll have to just write back something like 'Just kidding! NO I didn't eat ALL that, I thought it would be fun to just SAY'!" Hahaha!
I'm glad you pull the wool over Dan's eyes too with the "I have NO idea why we got so few fries in our order!" I do that stuff to Eoin ALL the time!! I think he is mostly on to me but he just gives up! God love him...he knows he can't compete...
I'm glad I have someone to commiserate with!! We can just load on the pounds together and get 'em off together in the end!! I'm glad to have someone that UNDERSTANDS me, hahaha!
Happy Secret Eating!! (This is the term we've created for when your husband is out of town or out for the night and you buy and/or eat ridiculously unhealthy foods in secret and when they come home you have hidden the evidence)

i'm depressing myself right now by looking at old navy's spring collection - all brightly colour skinny jeans and tank tops. Not that i'd probably wear them regardless but the fact that I couldn't fit into them is breaking my heart. 
i'm grouchy. which just gives me more reason to head to the pantry. Urgh. i wish i had will power at all. 
on another note, to test how much alike we are, when was the last time you shaved ur legs... 
Typically i am all over this shit. But at this point my leg hair is so long i keep thinking there's a bug on my leg but i think it's just my leg hair blowing in the wind...

Just legs? Or everywhere, haha! The only thing that gets a regular manicure now is the pits! The fact that I cannot SEE my wahoo-li-hooo prevents much maintenance in that department and the legs? Forget it! Sometimes I forget that they even require care at all, let alone ACTUALLY shave 'em! If I'm feeling super-ambitious I'll make an attempt at being a lady again but I feel ridiculously unsexy and shaven legs would not help, haha!
It's weird in my first pregnancy I thought everything was "cute" and "glowing" including weight gain, looking like a blimp, not fitting into things, a burgeoning belly, stretch marks (yes I got them). This time, knowing how hard things are AFTER baby to get back to normal I'm like "damn weight gain, damn belly, fucking stretch marks". Nothing seems cute anymore, haha! 
Skinny jeans, I miss them too. New clothes in general, sigh. Someday...

ha, AGREE 100%. I am not feeling pretty or cute at all. 
And maintenance in all areas is non-existent. The only time anything gets done is before my docs appts so I'm so scared he's gonna have to look at my wahoo and not be able to find it through the leg hair, among other things...  
Last time, I just gave up entirely, and it wasn't until there were like 15 people in the labour room including my mother (she must have been so ashamed) that I was like... shit, i should have bought some nair or something! 
You know what's the worst... the severe, post baby for like 2-3 months, crazy ass jelly belly. Like lose skin, pick it up and shake it crap.  This blows. 
OK, OK, lets think about the positives... (1) we're at least cute in the face, so technically, right now, we're butter-faces and (2) we are going to be so excited when these little ones arrive.

That's all I got for now folks. Hope this gave you a chuckle and, if nothing else, insight into why it's so important to have girlfriends - I'm pretty sure, as much as I love Janine, I could have had a similar conversation with a lot of my girlfriends. Girlfriends are necessary for survival.


Janine Hussey said...

I don't know what's worse...that I laughed out loud reading this, having ALREADY had the conversation, or that it made me wish Eoin was working tonight so I could have more secret eating food, hahaha! Loved it!!

Jen said...

We should make it a regular... seems like it won't be an issue for either of us at this point! :p