whats-in-the-news wednesday

Since I enjoyed it so much last week...

Here's my thoughts on this weeks headlines. Last week, I stuck to parenting. This week I may broaden my horizons in the interest of being a well-rounded writer (and giving fair mockery to all topics).

"Woman delivers 13 pound baby - naturally" - Can I just say that a watermelon is a watermelon when we're talking about trying to push it through a paper towel roll? Not taking away the credit this Mom deserves, but your vagina doesn't realize how big the baby is... my vagina didn't say "hey, this baby's only 8lbs 8oz - that ain't so bad!!!" My vagina said "holy f*$%" followed by more inappropriate words in the weeks that followed. We all deserve to have a story in the Globe and Mail after we deliver - drugs or no drugs, it's not a joy ride... SECOND to all that, do you think the woman KNEW she was having a 13 lb baby? Do you think, perhaps, if someone had said - "hey lady, your baby is going to be record breakingly monstrous and your vagina is going to be a mangled mess for the rest of your life... in fact, it's going to make international headlines" - would she have said, "nah, I'll pass on the happy-place drugs and the c-section" then?

 "Say cheese: Are school photos gold - or just old" - Are you old enough to remember trading your photos with your friends in junior high and high school? It was like the social standing determinant... if the cool kids gave you a picture that had a personal message on it, you were IN baby. Added to the fact that in fifteen-twenty years those pictures are going to make people at your wedding cry because they are so ridiculously indicative of the time period and how "old" you are - oh dear, everyone should have been able to live through the 80's. Did anyone else have a "mushroom cut"?? School photos are pure GOLD. Check out Jane's from this year... Priceless, non? I couldn't find any of my school pics as they are packed up like treasures at my parent's house - but, just as effective, here's a Glamour Shot of my sis and I - a true gem - nothing like dressing ten-year-olds up in S&M gear. Unclear in the photo but, yes, I am wearing a studded collar.

"Pfizer recalls birth control pills, says tablets may not prevent pregnancy" - Oops! My bad!

"How do I get the waiter to choose me to taste the wine?" - Seriously? THIS is your big life question? Who are you? Can I be you for a day... Oh, dear, my life is so rough... I can never get the waiter to choose me to test the wine. How will I get through? What is the meaning of life if I can't swirl and sniff? HELP ME GOD, PLUUUUEASE! I hate tasting the wine. Everyone watches you. I swirl. I sniff, like I know what I'm supposed to be smelling (ah, smells like wine? smells like red wine?) and then I taste... tastes like red wine to me. SCORE! Then I nod. That'll do. That'll do just fine, tyvm.

"Do moms discriminate against dads?" - I had to read the actual article for this one to figure out what the heck they were talking about. At first, I thought it meant, do moms think they're better than dads - to which, of course, the answer is YES. DUH! I'm the queen baby. I know all. I'm the perfect parent. So Dan can get Jane off her nummy AND bobbies (soother and bottles) in two days, when I'm out of town... big whoop! I pick out the best outfits and can do a pony-tail better than any man, any day! You should see the way I cut up an apple - magnificent. Anyways. This article is actually about a controversy caused by a sleepover for girls hosted by a single dad... tricky? Hmmm. Upon initial thought, I feel it's tricky because I automatically, and incorrectly I know, assume the worse of all men. However, do I think we should be any more skeptical and scrutinizing over allowing our babes to sleep-over at a single dad's house vs. a house owned by two, apparently normal, parents. Heck no baby. There are some crazy-ass women out there - Octomom anybody? All fine and dandy till your five-year-old comes home with boob implants and a new set of lips - "look what we did mommy!"

"How to get Angelina's glowing look" - Hmmm. Let me guess. Starve yourself 6 days out of 7 and on the seventh day, eat only tomato juice and one sheet of paper towel. Then smear baby oil all over yourself before you step out in public. Mission: achieved.

"The many failings of men in 2011" - Including key lessons learned such as "don't touch somebody who doesn't want to be touched" and "don't expose your privates in public". Very important we ensure our husbands are aware of these updates to social expectations from last year. Do you think there's any link between a list like this and the aforementioned "discriminating against men"?? Did you know "aforementioned" is one word? There's your women's lesson learned for the day - being that I'm fairly certain you're aware that showing your vagina in public is somewhat taboo nowadays.

"Women still doing the bulk of multitasking, Study" - Holy Mother of God. Another worthwhile study examining an important, life-changing-life-saving, topic. And the findings? Well I just about fell on the floor. Women? Multitasking? You might as well have told me that you did a study and found women do the bulk of the cooking and cleaning too - like holy crap, stop the presses.

Ok, cutting myself off. Cause I just read this headline "My in-laws brought dumpster food to a dinner party" and between this and the man list thing, I'm getting serious concerns for the future of the planet.