Feb 20, 2012

shopping for fatty clothes...

Out of boredom (also known as inability to sit still when I'm not being a mother and doing 45 things at one time), I was checking out some spring/summer maternity clothes this weekend.

Here's what I've discovered. I can see into the future. The future ain't pretty.

Maternity pants, by definition, are disgusting - constantly leaving this air space in the crotch area as if we not only had bulging bellies but penises as well. On the plus, if we wanted, we could store some snacks down there if they didn't make the pockets so small you can't fit a coin in them...

Secondly, who (WHO!!!) is designing this crap? Seriously. It's got to be men. Women would NOT design a maternity jean in light denim. First of all, we live in 2012 people - I don't think anyone but 14 yr olds wear light denim anymore. And considering the fact that most pregnant chicks have gotten a little extra junk-in-the-trunk since conception, I'm pretty sure we're not interested in putting anything light on the bottom. YET, they also love to make maternity dresses and t-shirts in horizontal stripes. Did you hear the one about the zebra and why his stripes are vertical??? Even the zebras know that horizontal stripes are NOT flattering, especially when you're gigantic! Is it supposed to be an optical illusion...??? Sure. To make your a** look three times it's actual size.

Here's my issue - during my first pregnancy, I didn't have to be pretty. I got laid off. I could live in jeans and t-shirts happily. Now, I have to look pretty. I have to be a cute pregnant working girl. I think I may try to avoid maternity clothes altogether in an effort to do this. A pregnant friend pointed out this weekend that the larger of my pregnancy days will be during the summer - so apparently there is hope that I can live in dresses and that I may be able to get by for quite a while with just buying size large in regular people clothes. Let us pray.

Aside from coming to my own conclusions about hating maternity clothes, I also learned a few other things from the Motherhood Maternity website. See below...

(1) Teenage pregnancy is encouraged... Is there any way this model (pictured left) is older than 17? Me thinks not... She's probably got this photo of herself posted with 3400 other profile pics of herself on Facebook.

(2) They believe this is the best our arses can look while pregnant... apparently making thongs for pregnant women is unacceptable.

(3) They think we're stupid enough to believe that this 90 pound chick is 30 weeks pregnant. Um... I can see through her arms and her boobs look like mine did in grade nine. Me thinks not.

(4) They believe that the best way to make a half-decent pair of capris even better for a pregnant woman is to add an accent that will draw as much attention as possible to her a**. GENIUS. I'll buy 10 pairs thanks.

(5) They believe with this photo, they have truly demonstrated how fabulously this pair of capris will fit your curves. Are they supposed to be hammer pants? This is shameful. Whoever approved these photos needs immediate dismissal. It's actually angering for me that they believe this is the best way to make woman feel like we can still be beautiful when we're pregnant - show us that, no matter what, clothes is going to look like crap on us. Thanks for the support.

(6) I'm not even saying anything for this picture. She's modelling nursing bras. Who is looking for nursing bras? Post-partum women. Swimsuit models should be directed to victoria's secret tyvm.

1 comment:

Jen Peddle said...

Hilarious post!