Dear Mother Nature

As a long term inhabitant of your residences, I feel it appropriate to inform you of a few recent, but less-than-ideal, experiences I have encountered during this adventure you would refer to as "life"...

First of all, I'd like to know what reasoning was put forth, aside from requirements for procreation, to commit two beings who are so completely opposite of each other that they spend most of the day trying not to eliminate the other from existence? May I suggest that, moving forward, you consider two separate residences for each of the two human species (as they cannot be of the same classification being that their differences are so abundant and apparent). Perhaps an annual mating day and then separation again to different corners of the universe?

Unfortunately, I've come to terms with the fact that these beings, of the species "male", would be unable to handle the pressures, stress, exhaustion, etc. that accompanies child bearing - mostly from having witnessed the struggles of these creatures during the course of a minor cold. However, would it not make sense for them to have been injected with some sort of understanding, empathy, etc. for the shear feat that it is to create an ENTIRELY NEW HUMAN BEING inside ones body for TEN MONTHS?!?! Just a suggestion for future improvements if the above recommendation is not taken into consideration.

Along those same lines, I am curious why it is that in the process of creating such wonderful little human beings, along with weight gain, exhaustion, back pain, cramps, and the resulting, fantastic but body-destroying labour, the women of your community are also subjected to further punishment in the form of stretch marks, weak bladders, saggy boobs, rashes, swelling, acne, insomnia, etc.? And those are just the minor aggravations of your pregnant females. Mother Nature, I hate to question your intentions but are you, perhaps, on the wrong team? If I were to make a suggestion - perhaps the results of such a long and strenuous pregnancy could be any combination of the following:

• Teenage-boy level metabolism
• Perfectly round and perky breasts
• Saddlebag elimination
• Cellulite obliteration
• Instantaneous six-pack abs
• Noxzema-girl skin

Something to consider.

On the topic of the weather. I understand that it is summer. I am both satisfied and made happier by the sunshine. However, it would be fantastic if you could either (1) turn down my internal temperature or (2) crank back on the 30 degree weather, just a little bit. Perhaps setting a limit at 25 might be a happy medium for all? Perhaps a resident survey is in order - I will draft.

Lastly, with reference to my upcoming labour and delivery. I would like to make a formal request for early delivery on the basis of wanting to harm somebody if I have to carry on much longer. In the interest of public safety, it is best that labour be initiated as early as next Monday morning with duration lasting no more than 3-4 hours. I would prefer a morning appointment beginning at approximately 9am so that we can drop Jane off to daycare first, and so that my male partner is able to pick up Jane at the end of the day without much disruption to her daily schedule. Most importantly, obviously, I would like you to order up a healthy baby.

Wishing you a wonderful evening.

Yours truly,

whats-in-the-news wednesday

As always, the rules of whats-in-the-news is that I have no intention of ever actually taking the time to read these articles... my take on the days headlines in parenting, life, celebrity, everything.

Here she goes...

The two questions all parents of young kids should ask themselves - (1) Do you have an adequate supply of red wine in the house? (2) Do you own a good anti-aging cream or have access to enough money for the botox you will need to repair the damage of 5 years of inadequate sleep?

The good mother doesn’t exist. She’s a myth - Then call me Medusa bitch because I know I'm a good Mom and I know a few others too. This article must have been written in some other country... :p

McDonald's new Happy Meal: Will there be fries, I mean yogurt, with that? - Ok, get ready to judge me if you want but I don't care. Here's the thing... I think this NONSENSE of McDonald's offering healthier options with happy meals is INSANITY. McDonald's is NOT HEALTHY. It's not supposed to be healthy. If you're bringing your child to McDonald's for a healthy meal, I'm about to judge you because you're not the brightest bulb I've ever come by... It's supposed to be a TREAT. Obviously, for some people, this is not the case - so is it right, then, to lead kids to believe that McDonald's is healthy? Not in my opinion! So you throw some yougurt in the happy meal... um, do you want me to get my three year old to eat that before or after the fried nuggets and 10 fries you now include? Yeah. Me thinks not. When Jane and I go to McDonald's it's for a treat. And, personally, I'm of the belief that treats, in moderation (exc. pregnancy of course) are OK! Therefore, I'm OK with her having chicken nuggets and, Dear God No, french fries without apples and yougurt on occasion... I am pretty sure this will not kill her. I'm pretty sure I'm going to live as well. Grrrr.

Blame parents for teen tanning habits - Ultimately, parents are to blame for pretty much everything. Sometimes indirectly, but ultimately, your fault. And, Puuuulease... as if you don't notice your child looks like George Hamilton in March. I wasn't allowed to go to tanning salons when I was younger because my mom would have killed me. I went once. I was sure my mom was going to notice my burnt boobs and then all that would be recognizable on my corpse would be bright red boobs... that's how they'd identify me. Every Mom needs a "friend"... and friend who's 40 but looks 87 because they smoked and tanned. This friend is ultimately a scary example of what's to come for those who tan and smoke... like a life sized warning label.

Why mental stress may harm women more - Um, because men can't suffer from mental stress because they don't have any thoughts?

Why do engagement rings still matter? - This writer has obviously never been married. The engagement ring is basically like a bribe. Being married to a MAN is not easy. You're darn right I deserve a gift for even considering marrying your ass. In fact, you should give me one every 5-10 years too because I've stayed married to your ass. And, when I divorce you, I'm taking it all with me as a downpayment on the house you will also be paying half for in alimony payments. tee hee hee. ha ha ha. I'm hilarious.

Jessica Simpson Drops 20 Pounds Already? - ha ha ha. Again. This person obviously hasn't done his/her research OR been a mom before. I remember getting on the scale a day after Jane was born and being like HOLY CRAP, I'M A SUPERMODEL! You drop 15-20lbs easy in child birth - between baby's weight and fluid/placenta, etc. I remember being able to see my vagina again and being both frightened by what I saw and excited! It only takes like a week to start feeling fat again though. FYI.

That's all I got... Still zonkered from this stupid head cold which will not go away.

Pregnancy Cravings?

People keep asking me if I have any pregnancy cravings... how common is this? Do you think pregnancy really gives you cravings or just permission? Maybe all your life you've been wanting to know what pickles dipped in ice cream tasted like but you hid your inner desires in fear of judgement, mockery and being shunned by society.

For me. I don't get cravings. I think partly because I eat everything and anything I should and shouldn't all the time. But, I do get pregnancy obsessive food thoughts... like, I'll smell something or someone will mention a food or I'll see something that triggers the thought of the food and then I CANNOT GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD until I eat it. Nothing will be substituted. Nothing will distract it.

Par exemple. We were over at my sisters house tonight for dinner, where I demolished a large garlic fingers alongside my sister (I think maybe some of the others got some, but it didn't seem like it... :p). So, Jane eats her token two garlic fingers, tells me shes "all done mommy" and heads off because, well, we're at someone else's house so all their toys (even though they are identical to the ones we have at home) are SUPER SPECIAL and DISTRACTING. A half hour later, she is leading me to my sisters cupboard where she points at the box of Honey Nut Cheerios because she wants a bowl. Enter: Obsessive Pregnancy Food Thought Disorder. After pigging out on enormous, and nutritionally void dough and cheese, I wrote the night off and told myself to look forward to a huge bowl of chips (or two) and some chocolate, when I got home. Because this is how I roll. If I eat one bad thing during the day, I write the entire day off and eat every bad thing I would ever want during that day so I can "start again" the next day... of course, the next day is always like a Thursday and WHO ON EARTH starts healthy eating on a THURSDAY?!?! That's insanity I tell you.

Anyways. Long story short. I'm at the grocery store a half hour ago. In the chip aisle. Staring at a wall of possibilities - of which I've granted myself all access. And. I can think of nothing but HONEY NUT CHEERIOS. Miss Vickies Jalapeno Chips - with all their greasy, spicy, crunchy goodness? Nope. Sweet and salty, high in fibre, good for my cholesterol, HONEY NUT CHEERIOS.

So, here I am, on my Friday night binge - stuffing my pregnancy-chubby-cheeks with Cheerios. If you want to call that a craving, go for it. I call it mind control. And, if you want to call it pregnancy related, go for it... but if affects me daily, hormones or not. :p I call it being a woman. Dan just said to me "you might want to breathe..." in reference to my stuffing - to which I responded "I'm eating CHEERIOS" as if that's an excuse to eat more faster...

Have a great weekend!

whats-in-the-news wednesday on THURSDAY

At this point, I don't know why I even bother specifying that I'm aware that I'm doing whats-in-the-news WEDNESDAY on a THURSDAY because I'm pretty sure no one would be surprised that I didn't truly know what day of the week it was. Basically, I go to work everyday until the girls at daycare tell me to "have a nice weekend" when I pick up Jane. :p

Here she goes...

Who co-sleeps? Who eats placenta? Test your knowledge of celebrity parents - Um. Yeah. A little bit of a jump, non? Who co-sleeps, who eats PLACENTA? No judgement but WTF? Are you kidding me. I don't want to know. Refusing to open this article and TEST my knowledge of celebrity parents. First of all, what parent has the time to test their knowledge of celebrity parents? Probably the same parents who have time to blog about parenting... insanity. :p

Teen burnout can be hard to spot - Because it doesn't exist? How the heck are TEENS burnt out? They don't live in the real world. This is all the fault of whatever the generation before ours is called that babied and protected (i.e. this there are no winners crap) their children so much that they have no idea how to deal with "bad" things when they happen. OR, the same generation that are into this competitive kids crap where they have their kids enrolled in so many sports and activities that the kids don't have any kid-time. When I was a teenager my activities consisted of: waking up, going to school, making out with my boyfriend, going home, doing homework, sleeping. The worst consequence was raw lips or that painful indent you got on your middle finger because you had to WRITE out your homework.

Infant wigs - I don't know if this article is a joke, but as always, I do not actually read the articles I'm talking about because (1) I don't have the time and (2) I just don't care. :p Infant wigs... ha ha ha. That is awesome. I'm getting Jane  an 80's perm wig for sure. Um. No. It already a battle enough getting Jane to pick out her CLOTHES in the morning, I'm not throwing picking out her hair into the mix. If this product exists, the only point I can see is for baby girls who don't get long flowy locks right away and, thus, are confused for boys. Here's a suggestion that isn't ridiculous - DRESS THEM IN PINK. I'm a genius, I know, no need to point it out.

Babies born before 39 weeks have lower IQs, study finds - how do they determine the IQ of a 39 week old? :p

Is it safe for breast-feeding mothers to drink alcohol? - Here's a study I want to see the results of - Post partum depression rates in new breastfeeding mothers who allowed themselves a glass of wine when necessary. Sometimes the benefits outweigh the risks. Here's a tip for the first-time-moms-to-be: Wine is often necessary for survival of sanity and marriage. This is also why God created breast pumps.

Daddy's baby blues: guilt, fatigue, angst - If Dan ever complained about have "baby blues", I'd give him baby black-and-blues. Cry me a river dude... I'll play the violins for ya.

Surrogate Mother Of 11: 'I'm Retiring My Uterus - You've birthed 11 children. Screw your uterus, send what's left of your vagina on a 30 year spa retreat.

Later gators.

the ugly side of pregnancy

Warning. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm hot. And, as always, eating chocolate. So, nothing unusual.

Those not pregnant or of the species with a penis should run for their lives now.

I no longer wear a bra when I'm inside the house... what's the point. I used to think wearing a bra would prevent my boobs from sagging. I actually think I wore a bra to bed when I was pregnant the first time in hopes of preventing the inevitable. This is, unfortunately, a wive's tale your parents tell you when you're 14 and they think a bra is like a chastity belt. Boobs sag. Period. Whether you breast feed or not, they will end up tickling your belly button at some point in your life. Currently, I am wearing a sweatshirt and because I'm pregnant and have ridiculous hormones that make me hot as hades, I have the sweatshirt tucked into the underside of my saggy-ass boobs because it's getting hot under there and it's making me itchy.

I haven't shaved my legs in... I have no idea how long. Literally. When you're disgusted by your own leg hair, it's bad... most women think "it's not that bad" so when you look down and go "holy crap, that's nasty" it's BAD. I actually got a bath last night JUST to shave my legs and forgot to grab my razor, which was not within arms reach, so I gave up because standing up from the lying down position when pregnant is like running a 5K and is not worth it to shave your legs. PS - currently wearing short-shorts regardless of said leg hair. I only manage to shave my armpits because it's springtime and short-sleeved shirts don't hide armpit hair like you might think... just a warning. Don't reach for what's on the top shelf... or stretch. It ain't pretty for anyone nearby. Oh, and we might as well discuss the voo again. I had to show my voo to my mom the other day (she was a nurse so it's not weird) but on a brighter note, my hip/bikini line rash is still going strong, so I wanted my mom's assessment. I was actually embarrassed to show my mother my voo due to it's current condition. She told me I should start going to the spa for waxing since I can't take care of it myself. It's like on my last birthday when I asked her what wrinkle creams were THE BEST and, instead of telling me I didn't need them, she told me what I should buy. When your Mom isn't holding back the truth, it's (all together now) BAD.

One word. Saddlebags. Personally, I call them my "second a**". Not every pregnant women will get these - only the ones who eat when they're hungry or tired... so like 99.99999% of the time. The other 0.00001% of the time I'm peeing or sleeping.

Your welcome.

top ten crappy pregnancy symptoms

Been wanting to share some of my less than ideal pregnancy symptoms with you... just in case (1) you haven't reached that point yet (2) you aren't pregnant yet or (3) your male and you have some morbid interest in how crappy it is to be pregnant sometimes.

Top Ten CRAPPY pregnancy symptoms:

(1) Alert the media... crappiest thing about being pregnant. Getting FAT. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's worth it. Still sucks.

(2) The little silver colored zebra stripes that reach from back to front of your belly, ass, boobs - you know, all the things that you focus on when you watch a victoria's secret fashion show... a.k.a. stretch marks and the fear of them. Avoided them with number one, praying for a second lucky streak. Unlikely.

(3) Giant, itchy, dark-nippled, veiny boobs that turn into deflated sacks post-nursing.

(4) Noises squeaking out of places they shouldn't without control. I dare not say the F word. It's one of the worst symptoms for me, personally, as this is something I ridiculed my mother for my entire life. Now, God is punishing me.

(5) Peeing my pants all day, every day, without control and for various and numerous reasons - I hold my crotch when I sneeze, I dribble if I even think about having to pee, when I cough, when I laugh too hard, when I jog, pretty much everything. I am pretty much guaranteed a trip to the urologist after this pregnancy. The other day, in the cosco parking lot, I was eating an ice cream (I went to cosco and all I got was this ice cream!) and walking back to my car. This sweet old man (like 75 plus sweet, not creepy) rolls down his car window as he's driving by and says "awwww. Can I have some?" To which I laughed and said "It's sooo good!" He smiles and says "I bet your married, aren't you? The most beautiful things are always taken..." I laughed and smiled and told him he made my day and peed my pants. No reason. Just peed my pants.

(6) The pimples, skin reactions, rashes, etc. I have them on my face, they itch, they're red, they flake. It's sexy. I also have this rash on the seams of my hip joints, that's itchy and annoying... and it looks like I'm scratching my crotch. So, I'm either scratching my crotch or holding it.

(7) Acid reflux. The other day I threw up in my mouth and had to swallow it.

(8) Crying about nothing. I am not a cryer. I don't judge cryers, but you annoy me. :p ha ha ha. I cry over commercials, stories, memories, everything.

(9) Never using the bathroom, like never. Where does all that food go? Sorry. I know it's gross. But seriously? No wonder I'm putting on a "little more" weight than my doc likes to see... half of it is crap. Literally!

(10) Being tired. All the time. After 10 hours of sleep and two naps. Exhausted.

(11) I know I said 10 but I just thought of one more. My bulging right bicep. Just the right one. From carrying Jane's entire weight in my arm because I have no hips anymore. Just bulging belly.

For those of you trying to get pregnant or early in pregnancy. Enjoy! Your welcome!

whats-in-the-news wednesday

This is my easiest and most favourite post of the week... ah, how I love to make fun of others. :p

The twelve secrets of dining out with children - (1) candy, (2) bribery, (3) candy + bribery, (4) empty threats, (5) empty threats followed by bribery with candy, etc. You get the point. Here's a better suggestion, um... have you ever heard of take out? OR, there's this new thing called a babysitter. Golden.

Gifts at Easter? Since when is chocolate not enough? - Anyone who thinks chocolate is not the best gift in the world is either (1) stupid or (2) male (which goes hand-n-hand with number one). :p But I do agree. I know of parents who have bought huge gifts (like iPADs and crap) for Easter gifts. INSANITY. Listen, when I was growing up my mom did the best easter egg hunts. THE BEST. It was so much better than gifts. The hunt is awesome. Parents who substitute the hunt for gifts are lazy. Even when I was a "grown up" and didn't have kids, I used to do hunts for Dan. I don't care how old you are, finding chocolate hidden all over your house is like waking up in heaven. Kids won't remember the gifts in 10 years, they will remember the fun of the hunt though. We need to think like this more often. It ain't all about the $$ people.

10 wacky pregnancy cravings revealed by celebrities - I'm gonna guess this list includes mostly food that has more than -10 calories per serving (i.e. not lettuce leafs and papertowel). I have a theory that I know is not 100% accurate but, I think, has some merit - I have lots of theories in case it ain't obvious. Sometimes, I find, that the healthiest, tiniest, skinniest, most weight obsessed ladies are the same ones who put on 80 lbs during pregnancy. Not all. But sometimes. Example. Me. What I would call a normal sized chick. I put on 35 lbs with my first pregnancy. Not the ideal 25 lbs but not 70 lbs. Why? Because I always eat crap! I didn't get preggers and think WOOT WOOT, now I can eat for two. I eat for two on a regular basis. Some women who are extreme about being skinny and all that crap totally lose it during pregnancy and at their first taste of food with calories, are gonners. I take pleasure in watching them balloon because I am cruel.

Can a mathematical formula predict which celebrity unions will last? - Yes. I'm Einstein. Here it is. 1 + 1= divorce.

Our new friends keep bailing on our dinners - Dear Lord people, really? Can nobody take a hint? Is this person writing the article to try and find out how to get their "friends" to come to dinner... give me a break people. Your friends think you suck! If I don't call you back, I don't want to. If I don't email you back, I don't want to. If I don't show up to things you invite me to, I don't want to. Why can't people just understand that not everybody likes them? I'm positive there's a bazillion people who don't like me. Here's my strategy, I pretend they don't exist and, here's some rocket science, I don't invite them to dinner.

I met the love of my life at a bar - You and 99% of atlantic canadians, 100% of newfoundlanders. So what?

Bed. Time.

whats-in-the-news wednesday

Here she is... for those of you just tuning in. On Wednesdays, I pull a few headlines from the news, don't read the articles whatsoever (because I refuse to learn anything new) and make my comments on what I think the article is about...

Why do babies hiccup? - Who cares. Here's a better question. Why do babies cry. OR. Why do babies wake up during the night. OR. Why do babies make you gain 400 lbs when they only come out weighing 8lb 8oz.

Words most 2-year olds know - Here's a few... "No". "NO!" and "NOOOOOO!"

Carribean vacations that won't hurt your pocketbook - Instructions: Increase husband's life insurance policy to multi-millions. Book trip to Grenada. Tell him to meet you on the beach - you'll be the one dress as an "officer" (hint, hint, nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Tell him you like it rough. Your pocketbook will thank you. Going to hell for that one. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's probably better.

Decoding your man's oscar crush - Oh, Jeez, I wish I had the time of day to care who Dan was fantasizing about. As long as it's a female, I don't care. How's that.

10 questions you should ask yourself before having kids - I'm going to save you some time. Number one question - ARE YOU SELF-CENTERED or SELFISH? If the answer is undoubtedly yes or you even think it might be yes, you're screwed. The key to being a great parent, if you ask me, is happily (KEY KEY KEY) volunteering (not giving up) yourself to do whatever it takes to achieve the ultimate goal of parenting - a happy child.

Is it possible to over-love? - Oh my dear Lord. Seriously? We've got kids getting abused, in all kinds of horrible and unacknowledged ways and we're looking into whether you can over-love your kids. Give me a break. Yes b'y (here's come the newfie in me that comes out when I'm angry, drunk or tired)... so Jane's gonna grow up and end up in therapy, crying over the fact that I loved her too much. If you can over-love your kids, charge me and convict me baby. I remember when Jane was born, I got pimpled all around my mouth from kissing her baby-oil greased head so much I broke out for months. I still do it. She wipes 'um off now but I don't care. Sometimes I kiss her and wipe it off for her just because I love her so much.

50% of men have said this by accident - "I love you" or "will you marry me"... FYI, if it's said before, during of after sex, it's probably not true.

Everything you need to know about yoga - Here's the one thing I want to know about yoga. How do you not fart? All that moving around, legs in the air, bending, unbending, etc. And, if you've had a baby, sometimes other areas may hold excess air that must come out as well... somebody tell me the truth here. And, seriously, pre-natal yoga? Like, I'm not even 20 weeks and I'm already to the point that I "squeak" around the house without any chance of controlling anything below my boobs.

this one's for the girls...

WARNING: This post contains information that may be harmful to certain readers - MEN - reader discretion is advised. In other words, if you're a man (1) why are you reading a mommy blog and (2) I would advise, to avoid cranial explosion, that you find something else to read immediately or else, I'm about to blow your mind - because you're not going to understand this post at all.

One of my goals for this blog is to provide you with strategies for survival when you have kids. Necessary for survival: girlfriends. Necessary for peace of mind, acceptance, reassurance, love, understanding and sympathy: girlfriends with kids.

This post is going to be the easiest thing to write. Why? Because it's already written. Here's a facebook conversation between my girlfriend, Janine (originally, I wasn't going to use her real name because she didn't sign up to have her crap posted for the entire world to see, but she's apparently more like me than I imagined and doesn't give to s****) and I from the other week. This was just after the incident with the cops visiting me and my girlfriend had messaged me basically saying she had the exact same experience (only slightly worse, sorry Janine :p) and, again, gave me peace of mind that I wasn't a total nutball - maybe just like 65% nutball... Background info: we're both pregnant too.

To keep things organized, I'll do my messages in purple and hers in black.

Dearest Scaredy cat friend,
Home alone tonight again... thoughts on locking the cat in the dogs crate during the night time to avoid future 1am police visits?
Currently I am not seeing the cons to this POA... can you think of any?
xo Jen

NONE. Absolutely none. They'll bond in there which is a win-win for everyone!! 
I FEEL FOR YOU!! I hate the heightened anxiety on nights when I'm home alone and can't have wine to ease the ol' nerves. MAN, I miss wine...
I was going to write you earlier to say the following, but my fingers got too sticky to use the laptop (you'll see why): Secret Confession I Can't Admit To Anyone Else That Would Understand - Brenna's home sick so I've been off work since Friday with her. Eoin has worked non-stop and won't be home til late tonight. When I stopped by the Pharmacy after her docs appt this afternoon I loaded up "for the night". Got home at 330pm. By 4pm while she was napping I ate the whole "load". A bag of Bold BBQ Doritos (yes, the entire bag...big bag), a 3-pack of Cadbury Cream Eggs and a can of Zoodles that I decided would be my supper. Yup. That happened. AND to top it off, I just texted Eoin and told him I'm having pregnancy cravings so if he gets home before midnight he has to bring me sour candy. Lie Number 1: I don't get pregnancy cravings, these are just normal, regular cravings that I now have an excuse for. Lie Number 2: More an omission, I have no intention of telling him about my earlier "eats". Lie Number 3: I have half a DQ cake in the basement freezer that I also have no intention of telling him about either. :S I am destined to put on 90 pounds before this baby arrives!!!
I'll be thinking of you and sending you positive vibes so that damn alarm doesn't go off!! And for your pets to behave themselves!!


ha ha ha, YOU ARE ME! 
I always tell people I'm half-bulimic... I binge but I forget to purge. 
Jane was sick this week too, waking up at 4am... so, of course, even though it has no impact, I use my exhaustion as an excuse to eat horrible amounts of food.
Friday supper - McDonalds. Friday after supper - I tell Dan I'm tired and I want crap food to which he responds, "urgh I don't want to eat crap tonight"... to which I respond with silence because in my head I'm going through my list of top ten dan treats to determine which to hit him with. OREOS. WIN! A bag (big bag) of mrs. vickies jalapeno chips and a row of oreos later and I was content. This was after I ate an entire mcnugget meal, including the fact that I stole a bunch of dan's fries (he got a super sized!) before he opened the bag... of course, he says "jesus, where's all my fries" when he opens it and I respond "oh, i know, i barely had any either!" 
So, then. I have this stupid bag of oreos in the house... Write off the entire weekend. Dan had 3 total. They were gone by Sunday. 
Um, and I just finished the second bag of jalapeno chips today for my afternoon "snack". 
Literally, went to the gstore today to get some tofu for jane's supper (LIE) with the intention of grabbing some goodies for tonight. i couldn't even think of anything. THATS how bad I've been eating. I've been eating SO BADLY that I'm sick of all my favourite crap foods. So, I just ate licorice which I pretty much hate. And, I'm having my third "low fat, vegan, chocolate oat frozen cookie thingie" of the night. 
OH, I made myself a goat cheese pizza for dinner. Like on a flat bread from PC, that usually would feed at least two people. I ate 3/4 of the whole thing. 
Jen
PS - I don't get cravings that are pregnancy related either - I just get 'um period and then I can think of nothing else until I get what I want...


We are so so so so similar, its scary!! Even as I hit send I thought "wait, what if she really does think my eating is over the top? I'll have to just write back something like 'Just kidding! NO I didn't eat ALL that, I thought it would be fun to just SAY'!" Hahaha!
I'm glad you pull the wool over Dan's eyes too with the "I have NO idea why we got so few fries in our order!" I do that stuff to Eoin ALL the time!! I think he is mostly on to me but he just gives up! God love him...he knows he can't compete...
I'm glad I have someone to commiserate with!! We can just load on the pounds together and get 'em off together in the end!! I'm glad to have someone that UNDERSTANDS me, hahaha!
Happy Secret Eating!! (This is the term we've created for when your husband is out of town or out for the night and you buy and/or eat ridiculously unhealthy foods in secret and when they come home you have hidden the evidence)

i'm depressing myself right now by looking at old navy's spring collection - all brightly colour skinny jeans and tank tops. Not that i'd probably wear them regardless but the fact that I couldn't fit into them is breaking my heart. 
i'm grouchy. which just gives me more reason to head to the pantry. Urgh. i wish i had will power at all. 
on another note, to test how much alike we are, when was the last time you shaved ur legs... 
Typically i am all over this shit. But at this point my leg hair is so long i keep thinking there's a bug on my leg but i think it's just my leg hair blowing in the wind...


Just legs? Or everywhere, haha! The only thing that gets a regular manicure now is the pits! The fact that I cannot SEE my wahoo-li-hooo prevents much maintenance in that department and the legs? Forget it! Sometimes I forget that they even require care at all, let alone ACTUALLY shave 'em! If I'm feeling super-ambitious I'll make an attempt at being a lady again but I feel ridiculously unsexy and shaven legs would not help, haha!
It's weird in my first pregnancy I thought everything was "cute" and "glowing" including weight gain, looking like a blimp, not fitting into things, a burgeoning belly, stretch marks (yes I got them). This time, knowing how hard things are AFTER baby to get back to normal I'm like "damn weight gain, damn belly, fucking stretch marks". Nothing seems cute anymore, haha! 
Skinny jeans, I miss them too. New clothes in general, sigh. Someday...


ha, AGREE 100%. I am not feeling pretty or cute at all. 
And maintenance in all areas is non-existent. The only time anything gets done is before my docs appts so I'm so scared he's gonna have to look at my wahoo and not be able to find it through the leg hair, among other things...  
Last time, I just gave up entirely, and it wasn't until there were like 15 people in the labour room including my mother (she must have been so ashamed) that I was like... shit, i should have bought some nair or something! 
You know what's the worst... the severe, post baby for like 2-3 months, crazy ass jelly belly. Like lose skin, pick it up and shake it crap.  This blows. 
OK, OK, lets think about the positives... (1) we're at least cute in the face, so technically, right now, we're butter-faces and (2) we are going to be so excited when these little ones arrive.



That's all I got for now folks. Hope this gave you a chuckle and, if nothing else, insight into why it's so important to have girlfriends - I'm pretty sure, as much as I love Janine, I could have had a similar conversation with a lot of my girlfriends. Girlfriends are necessary for survival.

whats-in-the-news wednesday

OK, I was going to do my typical what's-in-the-news post and the first article I came across was titled "10 Things Never To Do To a Happy Baby"... so I'm thinking that it's going to say things like:

• Don't drop a happy baby
• Don't hit a happy baby
• Don't, basically, do anything to a happy baby - why mess with a good thing

Instead, it had a really nice list of things that all of us our guilty of doing, or nearly doing, at one time or another.

Here's my version of the list. It's the NOT-TO-DO list.

1. When your child falls asleep in the car, start singing loudly. Yell. Clap. Wiggle their legs aggressively. Honk the horn and swerve. Do whatever you can to keep them awake because you know they won't nap as long in the car as they will at home. In truth, I've pretty much actually done this because it's partially true. But, maybe, not recommended and definitely not intended to keep a child happy. 

2. Check your child's diaper regularly throughout the night. Anytime it's wet, or even damp, turn on the lights, give 'um and shake to wake 'um up and change that nasty diaper. It might take them an hour to fall back to sleep and you'll be exhausted for the first three years of their life, but it's definitely the best way to avoid diaper rash. 

3. Make sure that your child knows the correct way to colour a picture. If he or she deviates outside the lines or uses tries to use a blue crayon to colour Elmo, immediately take the crayons away and show him how it's done. In fact, lead by example all together and never let your child colour - you should be the only one doing the colouring until they understand how to do it properly. Creative expression is over rated.

4. If you've paid money for an expensive child show, exhibition, movie or amusement park, you keep your darn child there until closing time, tears or no tears. Get your money's worth. This is an important life lesson. 

5. Add salt, cheese or ketchup to your child's food without asking - every kid needs more sugar, salt and fat. They are part of the important building blocks of strong bones - like calcium and protein. 

6. When your child drops her beloved blankie or stuffed animal on the ground, freak out and throw it in the garbage in front of them. The ground is dirty and our children should be protected from every possible particle of dirt - this includes germs. Never let your child touch anything, ever. If, by God, they touch something like, dear Lord no, the handle of the Walmart shopping cart - immediately grab the Purell out of your purse and dunk them in it. Try to avoid the eyes, if possible. 

7. If your child seems completely comfortable and content, this is the time to adjust his pants or his t-shirt because it's not looking right. Tighten the belt, do up all the buttons, zip his chin in his jacket. Perfect. Well done. It's more important to look good than it is to be happy. 

8. See above. Also the perfect time to pull out the comb and pull it through that knot-ridden hair. This feels so good to kids, they love it. If you really want to win big, let them hang their head out the window while you drive for a few minutes, then bring out the comb. Try hard to avoid unnecessary things like detangler and gentleness as well. 

9. When your child is struggling with a puzzle or, in fact, struggling with anything... take over. Send them off to do something easier and finish the puzzle yourself. Kids have to learn that when life gets tough, you walk the heck away and let someone else solve your problems. 

10. Your preschool daughter prances out of her room in an outfit worthy of a circus performer. Tell her she looks like ridiculous, mock her a little, laugh out loud and then put her in the nice outfit your mother bought her from Gymboree. Implement a new rule - no picking out your own clothes until you move out of the house. You'll appreciate this rule more when she's 16. 

Happy Leap Year Day! :)

my night with the cops and the boogie man

Last night was an adventure. An adventure involving bravery, sacrifice and will power.

Bravery of those other than me. I'm only proud that I didn't grab Jane and hide in the attic like I've envisioned doing so many times (my version of a panic room).

Sacrifice in my need to not be an inconvenience to anyone.

Will power in not killing the cause of all this adventure.

Here's the story. If you don't have ten minutes, come back later. I'm a story teller. It's gonna be a long one.

Background facts necessary for understanding and sympathizing:

• Dan's out of town for the night for work
• Jen had slight addiction to A&E cop shows about 5 years ago that resulted in extreme fear and caution involving potential break-ins, murder, rape, kidnapping, crime of any nature - extreme...

So, I'm off to bed... I take care of my typical, Dan-is-out-of-town-tonight-and-I-must-take-every-precaution-to-protect-Jane-and-I routine - which includes but is not limited to (I can't tell u everything) bringing my cell phone to bed with me, turning on all exterior house lights, double checking door locks and leaving Molly (a.k.a. annoying mini barking dog) downstairs to sleep - she's my canary in a coal mine... I know if Molly is not barking, I have nothing to worry about (unless she's been taken out, of course). This also includes scouring the kitchen for items Ernie (kitten with a death wish) may decide to knock off the counter/table, etc. that would result in the house alarm going off unnecessarily and resulting in my ultimate death due to fear-induced heart attack. Yes. I am this crazy. Some people fear diseases. Some people fear the end of the world. I fear the boogie man.

I am not the girl who says "it will never happen to me"...

I have this feeling tonight. I just feel it. I know the alarm is going to go off. I can't explain it. I just have a feeling.

I turn on the house alarm regardless. Look out my bedroom window (which overlooks the back patio) to make sure in the five minutes since I've come upstairs, no one is stalking the backyard or looking in the back windows. And turn off my lamp to go to sleep.

12:00am. House. Alarm. Sounds.

Holy Fuck.

I'm sorry. I know I usually don't swear "out loud" on the blog but this was a holy eff moment and I'm trying to paint the picture of what I was going through.

I check the alarm pad and see from the code that the glassbreak detectors in the kitchen have been activated. I run to my trusty window, thankful I implemented my outdoor light strategy, and see that there is no one lurking in the backyard. At least, not anymore. My heart is pounding through my fingertips now. I turn off the alarm and open my bedroom door. Molly's not barking. Good sign. Ernie is sitting in the hallway looking at me like "what?".

I'm WAY to freaked to go downstairs to take a look around the house. And, since Molly's not reacting, I'm thinking it must have been the cat or the dog who set it off in the first place. The alarm company calls seconds later, and I tell her this and hang up.

I man the alarm again right away. Get into bed. Power up the iPad for a long night of lying awake until the sun comes up and the boogie man disappears with the dark of night.

My alarm starts beeping. The "trouble" light is on. The "trouble" light means (1) I've lost power (2) I've lost my phone line.

I call Dan and wake him up. "The alarm went off."
"What?" (Dan obviously still in "is this a dream or is my wife crazy" mode)
"The house alarm just went off and I think it might have been one of the animals but now I'm freaking out because I just turned the alarm back on and (picking up the house phone and turning on...) the phone lines dead..."
"What?"
"The phone lines are dead Dan. The alarm just went off. I just told the girl not to send the cops and now my phone line is dead. I think someone just cut the phone line..."

So, yeah. I'm freakin the eff out but basically just yelling at Dan, who's trying to calm me down, for leaving me for the night (because it's his fault someone is trying to kill me). I decide to be brave and head downstairs to take a look around to see if I can find the original cause of the alarm. I keep Dan on the phone and instruct him to call 911 if I scream or he loses me on the phone. I'm sorry. It's funny now but it wasn't last night.

I turn on every light switch at hand. Molly's glances up from the couch, groggy-eyed. Another good sign. The dog barks if you fart too loudly.

I search through the kitchen. Nothing. No water glasses broken on the floor. No bowls off the table. Nothing in the sink. No toys toppled over. Nothing. I glance outside. Nothing. No cause, in the house, for the alarm going off.

I check the phone downstairs, dead.

So, now, what do I do? It's been 30 mins since the original alarm went off.

Dan tells me to call the cops. Not the 911 cops but the "come by and check it out" cops.

Oh. What I just realized I forgot to mention at this point is that I've already cried 2-3 times by now. I am not a crier. This is a blessing of pregnancy.

I call the dispatch centre and proceed to tell my story to the friendly lady while including details about how I've been swearing at my husband because, somehow (again), it's his fault someone is trying to kill me. She's laughing. She offers to send someone out and I feel bad so I ask her if she thinks it's necessary. She tells me to call the alarm company and check if they've tied up my phone line for some reason, then to call her back and she'll send someone out.

I call my old friend Bob from the alarm company, surely waking him and his entire family up... I don't care. He asks me about the codes, we laugh about me yelling at Dan, etc. etc. All while Dan is calling a hundred times on the other line because, I lost him when I called the cops and called Bob immediately, and Dan is probably thinking I'm dead by now. Bob tells me it's likely the cable company is doing work in my area (at midnight???) and that I shouldn't be worried. He does say he is concerned about the original reason for the alarm. He doesn't seem to think it's a strange coincidence that 10 mins after my alarm randomly goes off, my phone lines go dead. We say our goodbyes and I feel better. Yeah. Like if I was a 10 out of 10 on the freaked meter, now I'm an 9.57.

I call Dan back, cry again, yell again. And start to say goodbye because he's trying to calm me down again and that's just making me more upset. I tell him I'm going to stay awake until the sun comes up... I tell him what Bob said about the cable company theory and, this is why I love him, he forces me to call the cops back and ask them to come check out the house. This is one thing I know about myself. I HATE asking for help. I HATE inconvenience people. I HATE asking for anything. I cry while I'm on the phone with the cops this time... awesome. I make sure to tell this lady I'm pregnant, twice, and that I usually do not cry to so much. I don't think she finds me funny.

She says she'll send someone right away. I get dressed into an I-just-woke-up-but-I-found-a-nice-pair-of-leggings-and-a-sweater "on the floor" outfit... I'm freaked out, but apparently I'm able to keep my cool enough to still have my priorities in order when a man-in-uniform is coming to the house. My Mom would be so proud. I'm the daughter who takes time to put her best dress on while the house is burning down.

I'm downstairs now, still on the phone with Dan in case there's someone lurking around the corner, waiting for the cop to pull up. I've actually gotten the "balls" now to look out the front window, where I was previously sure I'd see a car waiting for the man trying to kill me. But there's nothing.

Then I hear it....

Cling. Cling. Cling.

The ting of metal on a porcelain bowl.

I turn around to see Ernie pawing at his food dish... which is upside down. On the floor. Off the table.

Holy mother of effin eff eff bags and s*** effer you better run for your life (he's still alive, I swear).

The cop pulls up right after I notice this.

I come prancing out the door, Molly in my arms so she doesn't bark. Soon as the cop gets out of his car, I start crying again because I'm so nervous, scared, relieved, embarrassed, and a bazillion other things. I am in love with him immediately. He tells me right away that the cable company is at the end of the street and is working on the phone lines. He asks me to tell him what happened. He tells me that it's his job to give me peace of mind. I love him. I don't tell him that I've since discovered that my stupid-a**, going to punish him by pushing him the bathtub every time he's on the edge for the rest of his life, kitten is responsible for my alarm going off in the first place - which, when combined with the cable guy news, basically means he's at my house for no reason. I say stupid things like "you guys actually have note pads?" and "this is my first time actually talking to a cop!" I am so cool. But, seriously, despite all the facts at that point, when the man says "I'm going to go out and take a look around your property ma'am", I am thinking "my hero" (a la old fashion movie, southern accent, sigh). I watch him walk around the back with his flashlight and curse, realizing, he's probably cursing too cause he definitely just stepped in dog poop in the backyard... he leaves after saying "my name is lenny by the way" and I sigh again, complete admiration of his bravery to walk around my dark house by himself when I wouldn't even come downstairs.

I feel immediate relief.

Bed time.

Before I fall asleep, I take a minute to think of the cooler things I could have said to the cop. I envisioned me inviting him in for a coffee and chatting about his work, his stories, and so on. I am so cool. Then I think about him a little more seriously. Like, this was nothing for him. To come to my house, not knowing what to expect, all by himself. I mean, I'm pretty sure the smartest way to go about that job is to always assume the worst. And he goes around my house, no biggie, by himself, with his flashlight. What if the boogie man was back there?? Cops are dreamy... male and female. I am officially in love with them all. If I knew where "lenny" would have been today, I would have dropped off cookies and coffee and love notes and anything that would make him realize how much his small gesture of not judging me and not discrediting my fear meant to me.

Today, I am exhausted. Dan is exhausted. I love him. Despite yelling at him, I love him for stepping up and being the protective husband and forcing me to call the cops. Being that, obviously, I'm somewhat crazy about these things, he generally tells me I'm crazy and to go to bed. But last night, he was my white knight on a blackberry. I surprised him with way-too-expensive Jerry Seinfeld tickets this morning as a thank you and a sorry for yelling at you even though I needed you and it obviously wasn't your fault the cat and the cable company made me think someone was trying to kill me while you were out of town...

The cat is still alive. I'm considering options for future sleeping arrangements. Maybe I'll start feeding him lard so he'll get so fat he can't even get off the couch... maybe I'll refrain from talking about my plans for animal abuse on a public forum. :p

Wishing you a safe and happy evening...

whats-in-the-news wednesday

Hey! It's actually wednesday and (1) I'm actually going to write a whats-in-the-news post and (2) SCORE it's actually wednesday! Woot woot! And, the only reason, is because I'm home with a sick baby and she's currently, knock on wood (I just put her up), sleeping...

Here she goes...

Your kid is melting down. Why it's important to keep your cool - Ah. What else are you going to do? Throw yourself on the floor of the grocery store and kick and scream along with 'um? Personally, keeping my cool with regards to Jane's meltdown is not an issue. Keeping my cool with the a**holes who walk by and stare at you as though you just kicked a small puppy, that's my issue. I want to physically hurt these people. I have a temper. And, when the stress of a public meltdown is upon me, I can't keep my mouth shut. Last time this happened, Jane was throwing a fit in the entrance of Sobeys over a sticker, I'm trying not to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation  and this freakin' 60-yr-old-who-def-owns-five-or-more-cats walks by and gives me the look... I wanted to throw something at her. Like I said, temper.

Are men disappointed if woman wears slimming garments? - Um. Not if we lived in the early 1900's when the slimming garments were hot little corsets. But, spanks. I think the disappointment might not be in the fact that when you're (I saw you're because I refuse to wear these - ask me again in 18 month when I'm wearing the full body version under my jeans) wearing them, it might be in the fact that by the time he finds out how the hell to get you out of them, the moment's passed baby. Added to the fact that granny panties and under garments that basically physically force your fat to squeeze down to non-normal areas of your body, are probably the world's biggest turn on... he's likely to think you sleep around you're so damn sexy. :p

The naked truth about bare male flesh - Um. I was distracted. Typically I would make some comment about how naked men generally make women uncomfortable but then I see that the pic for this article is of (sigh) David Beckham. So I click further, out of pure curiosity of course, nothing else. And find a video... with the tag line "does david beckham still have it?" Um. You tell me. Holy Mother of God, nevermind, you don't need to. If you think he's "losing it" you need to do some serious self-reflection on whether or not you may want to go on Rosie O'Donnell's next cruise (not that there's anything wrong with that!). I hate posh spice. Can I just say that. What kind of role model is this woman to her children? What kind of ridiculous expectations are her sons going to have of women - you cook me supper bitch but you eat that half-piece of lettuce and then barf it up. Someone needs to take her to Biggest Loser and force her to eat that big table of crap food they put out to tempt all the chubby people.



The Bachelor Canada: the race for the rose begins - First, please, pretty, please let someone I know be one of the chicks? Please. Canada's small. If you're an american, you're probably thinking - "don't all canadians know each other?" Which is partially insulting and partially true. :p Secondly, do you think this is going to be hilarious like me? I'm really interested to see the difference in the behaviour between the US chicks and the Canadian ones. Part of me thinks the Canadian chicks will be like... "oh, you like him too? oh. well then you should have him." "no you have him" "no you"... and so on. It's like when you fight over who should go through the door first or who should go through the stop sign first when two cars get there at the same time and you end up sitting there waving at each other back and forth until you both go at the same time, laugh, and then start all over again. Only in Canada baby.

Chris Brown, Rihanna collaborate on remixes - My blood boils. This is somewhat in line with my theory that many of the women who comes off as soooo confident, overly "women power" and/or super tough, are really just insanely insecure. Kim Kardashian. Jennifer Anniston. Madonna (why else the severe plastic surgery). I can't, for any other reason, understand WHY this woman is maintaining contact with this loser. Aside from him beating the crap out of her (as if it's not enough), the dude is just a pure loser - he's arrogant, disrespectful, and a bunch of other angering terms I can't think of without my blood pressure rising. How much you wanna bet they are back together but their PR people are keeping it on the DL?

Welcome to the blobosphere - Um. How unfair that someone should write an article about me without my permission.

7 SHOCKING discoveries about pregnancy - Notice the word I've highlighted. First item on the list - pregnant women are sexy. A woman wrote this article. She must not have kids. I bet she gets a lot of hate mail. No woman who has kids would list number one SHOCKING discovery as the fact that someone, somewhere, who might just be sober and not blind and without hands, might find a pregnant woman sexy. (2) Your breasts grow larger if you're having a girl. I wonder if a man commissioned this study - and volunteered himself to be the dude how has to measure the growth of boobs. (3) If you dream about baby's gender, you're likelier to be right. Um, if pregnancy dreams have any truth then I should be marrying Kris Humphries anytime now, that is, after I finish running from the alligator that's chasing me down the street into a classroom headed by Taylor Kitsch. (4) Nightmares are linked with faster deliveries. No comment. Who allowed this article to be published. (5) Skinny chicks are likelier to have daughters. Ah. See above re: Posh Spice and her fourteen sons. I just proved your study incorrect. Your welcome. I give up. I shall not continue.

On a brighter note - have you seen this yet?



"What if I just lay here... go ahead." BAH HA HA. I cried.

shopping for fatty clothes...

Out of boredom (also known as inability to sit still when I'm not being a mother and doing 45 things at one time), I was checking out some spring/summer maternity clothes this weekend.

Here's what I've discovered. I can see into the future. The future ain't pretty.

Maternity pants, by definition, are disgusting - constantly leaving this air space in the crotch area as if we not only had bulging bellies but penises as well. On the plus, if we wanted, we could store some snacks down there if they didn't make the pockets so small you can't fit a coin in them...

Secondly, who (WHO!!!) is designing this crap? Seriously. It's got to be men. Women would NOT design a maternity jean in light denim. First of all, we live in 2012 people - I don't think anyone but 14 yr olds wear light denim anymore. And considering the fact that most pregnant chicks have gotten a little extra junk-in-the-trunk since conception, I'm pretty sure we're not interested in putting anything light on the bottom. YET, they also love to make maternity dresses and t-shirts in horizontal stripes. Did you hear the one about the zebra and why his stripes are vertical??? Even the zebras know that horizontal stripes are NOT flattering, especially when you're gigantic! Is it supposed to be an optical illusion...??? Sure. To make your a** look three times it's actual size.

Here's my issue - during my first pregnancy, I didn't have to be pretty. I got laid off. I could live in jeans and t-shirts happily. Now, I have to look pretty. I have to be a cute pregnant working girl. I think I may try to avoid maternity clothes altogether in an effort to do this. A pregnant friend pointed out this weekend that the larger of my pregnancy days will be during the summer - so apparently there is hope that I can live in dresses and that I may be able to get by for quite a while with just buying size large in regular people clothes. Let us pray.

Aside from coming to my own conclusions about hating maternity clothes, I also learned a few other things from the Motherhood Maternity website. See below...

(1) Teenage pregnancy is encouraged... Is there any way this model (pictured left) is older than 17? Me thinks not... She's probably got this photo of herself posted with 3400 other profile pics of herself on Facebook.










(2) They believe this is the best our arses can look while pregnant... apparently making thongs for pregnant women is unacceptable.

(3) They think we're stupid enough to believe that this 90 pound chick is 30 weeks pregnant. Um... I can see through her arms and her boobs look like mine did in grade nine. Me thinks not.





(4) They believe that the best way to make a half-decent pair of capris even better for a pregnant woman is to add an accent that will draw as much attention as possible to her a**. GENIUS. I'll buy 10 pairs thanks.

(5) They believe with this photo, they have truly demonstrated how fabulously this pair of capris will fit your curves. Are they supposed to be hammer pants? This is shameful. Whoever approved these photos needs immediate dismissal. It's actually angering for me that they believe this is the best way to make woman feel like we can still be beautiful when we're pregnant - show us that, no matter what, clothes is going to look like crap on us. Thanks for the support.





(6) I'm not even saying anything for this picture. She's modelling nursing bras. Who is looking for nursing bras? Post-partum women. Swimsuit models should be directed to victoria's secret tyvm.

whats-in-the-news wednesday on FRIDAY!

I wasn't going to do the whats-in-the-news post this week because, well, I wasn't sure if anyone wanted me too. Then I run into one of my fav daycare teachers on Wednesday who proceeds to tell me she's been looking forward to it all week and here I went and blabbed about my stupid skinny jeans!! OOPS!

So, in the interest of keeping the people happy... here she goes.

"baby's better off feeding himself" - I bet this was based on a study. FANTASTIC. My baby will be better off feeding himself! Woot WOOT! No more waking up through the night with a newborn. All I have to do is leave one of my boobs in the crib and say "deal, bitch!" and go to sleep.

"spanking your kid: does it help or hurt?" - Oh my nerves, I was listening to one of these guys talk the crap outta this on news radio today... talking about how kids who are spanked are like devil people when they grow up or something. Remember when they said that about all of us because we watched too much TV? I think somewhere along the line, spanking and child abuse became synonymous. Here's my thing - do what YOU feel is necessary to be loving, supportive and guiding parents. If YOU feel that a little tap-tap on the bum is necessary in extreme conditions to be used as a last resort, that's your decision. GOOD parents KNOW the difference between discipline and abuse. If you don't know where the line is or want to ask me what I think the line is, then you shouldn't spank your kids. I, personally, do not spank Jane and do not plan to. With that said, I have definitely given her a tap on the leg or something, almost instinctual without thought, a few times when she did something that was dangerous. Was I spanked myself, no. But my Mom had a wooden spoon. And, oh my dear Lord, if the wooden spoon came out we sobbed from fear... and my mom would take that wooden spoon and barely touch it to the top of our hands - like, literally, barely touch. And, holy moly, we would screech. My Mom always said, raising kids is a healthy mix of love and a little bit of fear.

"how to put out the fire when hatred flares up between siblings" - I laughed when I read this. My sister and I are 18 months apart. We're a lot alike and a lot different. We used to fight over everything. When we fought and wouldn't work it out, my Mom would lock us in the bathroom and we had to stay in there until we told each other one reason why we loved the other. It's hilarious when I think of it. We'd stand in there huffing and puffing for several minutes, whining at Mom and shooting death stares at each other. Eventually, we'd come up with something like "I love Nancy because she lets me use her hair brush" and that sufficed. One of two things happened - we came out laughing or we came out grouchy with Mom instead of each other. Mission accomplished.

"10 signs your spouse may be planning to divorce you" - I'll save you a TON of time. If you feel like you need to read this article because you want to know the signs, you're probably in for a divorce in the future.

"Sex and the Web" - What your search history says about your desires" - Um, online shopping turns me on?

"Four reasons Madonna rocked the Super Bowl" - I'm sorry. I'm not hating on Madonna, she's Madonna. But Madonna rocks a concert. Madonna rocks the grammys. Madonna rocks a face lift like no one else. Madonna does not rock the SUPERBOWL. Bon Jovi rocks the superbowl. Rolling Stones rock the superbowl. Bruce Springstein rocks the superbowl. Notice the lack of "Black Eyed Peas rock the superbowl" - who the F is making these decisions?? Do women like football yes. I love it. But, anyone who says the superbowl is not "made for the boys" is insane. I am cool with this. Give the boys something. Women own the rest of the world, give the men their superbowl. Do you really think your husband thought Madonna rocked the superbowl? Um. No. Did I sing along with Like a Prayer. Hell yes. Did my husband leave the room to have a pee and get some more chips? Guaranteed. Next year, maybe they'll have Il Divo, or Backstreet Boys OR better yet BSB and NKOTB!! :p


"Please your partner (and yourself) with a spousal RRSP" - See above re: signs your spouse is planning to divorce your ass. If THIS is your idea of how to please your partner, your partner is planning to divorce you. She's probably just waiting until you put all that money in her name before she hits the road.

The end. Happy Friday! :)

r.i.p. skinny jeans

This is a very difficult post to write...

To say goodbye to something that's been such a big part of my life for the last two years...

You've supported me, given me confidence, made me happy, simply because you were you... and you fit me perfectly.

I remember, years ago, stating with absolute determination that I would "NEVER, NEVER" go back to you. That I'd tried you in the 80's and you hadn't worked but I rocked you anyways. You had worked in the most wrong way, like a bad-ass boyfriend that treated you like s*** but was so hot you ignored it. Then they made you darker and lower, and stretchier and in calvin klein... you weren't the acid-washed, high wasted, camel-toe guaranteeing friend that I'd shared many a bad school photo with before. You wrapped yourself around me everyday like a cozy, warm and body-hugging blanket.

I will miss you skinny jeans. R.I.P.

My guess is that by the time I'm ready to think of you again, by the time you and I could fit together once more, you will have been replaced with hammer-pants or some other ridiculous style from the 80's that I swore to never repeat.

As I sit here with jeans tucked into the under side of my bra, it's hard to consider that it may be a year or more (ha, maybe is a hilariously inaccurate word - It will at least be a year) before I can slide you back over my hips and not worry about splitting seams.


I've hidden you away... in the back corners of my closet. I've thought about you many times in the last weeks... wanting you, wanting to just check if we still fit like we used to. Instead, I turn away in fear.

Sometimes when we really love something, we have to let it go.

R.I.P skinny jeans. See you on the flip side... :p