Feb 22, 2012

whats-in-the-news wednesday

Hey! It's actually wednesday and (1) I'm actually going to write a whats-in-the-news post and (2) SCORE it's actually wednesday! Woot woot! And, the only reason, is because I'm home with a sick baby and she's currently, knock on wood (I just put her up), sleeping...

Here she goes...

Your kid is melting down. Why it's important to keep your cool - Ah. What else are you going to do? Throw yourself on the floor of the grocery store and kick and scream along with 'um? Personally, keeping my cool with regards to Jane's meltdown is not an issue. Keeping my cool with the a**holes who walk by and stare at you as though you just kicked a small puppy, that's my issue. I want to physically hurt these people. I have a temper. And, when the stress of a public meltdown is upon me, I can't keep my mouth shut. Last time this happened, Jane was throwing a fit in the entrance of Sobeys over a sticker, I'm trying not to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation  and this freakin' 60-yr-old-who-def-owns-five-or-more-cats walks by and gives me the look... I wanted to throw something at her. Like I said, temper.

Are men disappointed if woman wears slimming garments? - Um. Not if we lived in the early 1900's when the slimming garments were hot little corsets. But, spanks. I think the disappointment might not be in the fact that when you're (I saw you're because I refuse to wear these - ask me again in 18 month when I'm wearing the full body version under my jeans) wearing them, it might be in the fact that by the time he finds out how the hell to get you out of them, the moment's passed baby. Added to the fact that granny panties and under garments that basically physically force your fat to squeeze down to non-normal areas of your body, are probably the world's biggest turn on... he's likely to think you sleep around you're so damn sexy. :p

The naked truth about bare male flesh - Um. I was distracted. Typically I would make some comment about how naked men generally make women uncomfortable but then I see that the pic for this article is of (sigh) David Beckham. So I click further, out of pure curiosity of course, nothing else. And find a video... with the tag line "does david beckham still have it?" Um. You tell me. Holy Mother of God, nevermind, you don't need to. If you think he's "losing it" you need to do some serious self-reflection on whether or not you may want to go on Rosie O'Donnell's next cruise (not that there's anything wrong with that!). I hate posh spice. Can I just say that. What kind of role model is this woman to her children? What kind of ridiculous expectations are her sons going to have of women - you cook me supper bitch but you eat that half-piece of lettuce and then barf it up. Someone needs to take her to Biggest Loser and force her to eat that big table of crap food they put out to tempt all the chubby people.

The Bachelor Canada: the race for the rose begins - First, please, pretty, please let someone I know be one of the chicks? Please. Canada's small. If you're an american, you're probably thinking - "don't all canadians know each other?" Which is partially insulting and partially true. :p Secondly, do you think this is going to be hilarious like me? I'm really interested to see the difference in the behaviour between the US chicks and the Canadian ones. Part of me thinks the Canadian chicks will be like... "oh, you like him too? oh. well then you should have him." "no you have him" "no you"... and so on. It's like when you fight over who should go through the door first or who should go through the stop sign first when two cars get there at the same time and you end up sitting there waving at each other back and forth until you both go at the same time, laugh, and then start all over again. Only in Canada baby.

Chris Brown, Rihanna collaborate on remixes - My blood boils. This is somewhat in line with my theory that many of the women who comes off as soooo confident, overly "women power" and/or super tough, are really just insanely insecure. Kim Kardashian. Jennifer Anniston. Madonna (why else the severe plastic surgery). I can't, for any other reason, understand WHY this woman is maintaining contact with this loser. Aside from him beating the crap out of her (as if it's not enough), the dude is just a pure loser - he's arrogant, disrespectful, and a bunch of other angering terms I can't think of without my blood pressure rising. How much you wanna bet they are back together but their PR people are keeping it on the DL?

Welcome to the blobosphere - Um. How unfair that someone should write an article about me without my permission.

7 SHOCKING discoveries about pregnancy - Notice the word I've highlighted. First item on the list - pregnant women are sexy. A woman wrote this article. She must not have kids. I bet she gets a lot of hate mail. No woman who has kids would list number one SHOCKING discovery as the fact that someone, somewhere, who might just be sober and not blind and without hands, might find a pregnant woman sexy. (2) Your breasts grow larger if you're having a girl. I wonder if a man commissioned this study - and volunteered himself to be the dude how has to measure the growth of boobs. (3) If you dream about baby's gender, you're likelier to be right. Um, if pregnancy dreams have any truth then I should be marrying Kris Humphries anytime now, that is, after I finish running from the alligator that's chasing me down the street into a classroom headed by Taylor Kitsch. (4) Nightmares are linked with faster deliveries. No comment. Who allowed this article to be published. (5) Skinny chicks are likelier to have daughters. Ah. See above re: Posh Spice and her fourteen sons. I just proved your study incorrect. Your welcome. I give up. I shall not continue.

On a brighter note - have you seen this yet?

"What if I just lay here... go ahead." BAH HA HA. I cried.


Angelene said...

Thanks for my wednesday night chuckle!

Jen Peddle said...

Funny video!