Mar 7, 2012

whats-in-the-news wednesday

Here she is... for those of you just tuning in. On Wednesdays, I pull a few headlines from the news, don't read the articles whatsoever (because I refuse to learn anything new) and make my comments on what I think the article is about...

Why do babies hiccup? - Who cares. Here's a better question. Why do babies cry. OR. Why do babies wake up during the night. OR. Why do babies make you gain 400 lbs when they only come out weighing 8lb 8oz.

Words most 2-year olds know - Here's a few... "No". "NO!" and "NOOOOOO!"

Carribean vacations that won't hurt your pocketbook - Instructions: Increase husband's life insurance policy to multi-millions. Book trip to Grenada. Tell him to meet you on the beach - you'll be the one dress as an "officer" (hint, hint, nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Tell him you like it rough. Your pocketbook will thank you. Going to hell for that one. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's probably better.

Decoding your man's oscar crush - Oh, Jeez, I wish I had the time of day to care who Dan was fantasizing about. As long as it's a female, I don't care. How's that.

10 questions you should ask yourself before having kids - I'm going to save you some time. Number one question - ARE YOU SELF-CENTERED or SELFISH? If the answer is undoubtedly yes or you even think it might be yes, you're screwed. The key to being a great parent, if you ask me, is happily (KEY KEY KEY) volunteering (not giving up) yourself to do whatever it takes to achieve the ultimate goal of parenting - a happy child.

Is it possible to over-love? - Oh my dear Lord. Seriously? We've got kids getting abused, in all kinds of horrible and unacknowledged ways and we're looking into whether you can over-love your kids. Give me a break. Yes b'y (here's come the newfie in me that comes out when I'm angry, drunk or tired)... so Jane's gonna grow up and end up in therapy, crying over the fact that I loved her too much. If you can over-love your kids, charge me and convict me baby. I remember when Jane was born, I got pimpled all around my mouth from kissing her baby-oil greased head so much I broke out for months. I still do it. She wipes 'um off now but I don't care. Sometimes I kiss her and wipe it off for her just because I love her so much.

50% of men have said this by accident - "I love you" or "will you marry me"... FYI, if it's said before, during of after sex, it's probably not true.

Everything you need to know about yoga - Here's the one thing I want to know about yoga. How do you not fart? All that moving around, legs in the air, bending, unbending, etc. And, if you've had a baby, sometimes other areas may hold excess air that must come out as well... somebody tell me the truth here. And, seriously, pre-natal yoga? Like, I'm not even 20 weeks and I'm already to the point that I "squeak" around the house without any chance of controlling anything below my boobs.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


You are absolutely HILARIOUS!! I read all of your posts here and crack up. I love when you throw a bit of Newfie in there. Hope you are feeling good :)