Tonight, I took the time to dig out my pregnancy journal from when I was pregnant with Jane to see what I was feeling with pregnancy numero uno at this point...
What I really wanted to know, in all honesty, was how much weight I had on at this point in the last pregnancy. I know. I know. You are probably annoyed, frustrated, bothered, etc. at how much I focus on the weight gain. And, truthfully, I considered saying "hey, last time I had 14 lbs on so I'm doing about the same" and just glossing over it but, you know what, that ain't me baby. I am who I am and I share it with you. And the weight gain is bothering the F out of me this time.
Last time, I had no idea what to expect, no idea what was in the future. THIS TIME, I know. I know what it feels like to see pictures of your self post-baby and hate how you look. I know what it feels like to buy size ___ pants and want to die because you can't believe you're that big still - I left the size out because, here's the thing, it's not about being the "perfect" size or being skinny or whatever. It's about being the right size for you.
I also know what it's like to get down to that right weight again. To wear clothes that you dreamed of wearing when you were pregnant and after. To get back into those jeans that are the ultimate achieved goal - I'm not talking about your pre-pregnancy jeans - I'm talking about the jeans, the jeans you've held on to through all the ups and downs because they are so fantastic but ONLY fit you when you're at your smallest. THOSE jeans... Basically, I know what it feels like to be proud of yourself and to feel sexy and attractive again. I also know how long it took me to get there and how bad it sucked along the way. So, yeah. I focus on the weight gain of pregnancy. And, yeah, it bothers the heck out of me. And, YEAH, I wish it didn't. And, YEAH, I know that I'm supposed to gain weight. And, YEAH, I know that I'm not over weight and all that other crap - I'm not writing about this so everyone will try to reassure me, anyone who knows me, knows I hate that crap. And, NO, I'm definitely not trying not to gain weight... in fact, I think I'm eating more this time because I am so stressed about the weight gain. I have the trifecta... I eat when I'm stressed. I eat when I'm tired. I eat when I'm bored.
I'm pretty sure I have an insanely fabulous metabolism, otherwise, I should literally be 500 lbs at this point. No joke. You can hate me for that, yes. Some times I wonder if I have a worm or something that eats all my calories. Some times, after a row of Oreos, I wish I had a worm that ate all my calories... :p
Do I think this is unhealthy? Do I think it's wrong for me to worry so much about it and think so much about the post-baby weight? Honestly, not really. I wish I didn't put so much value on it but I think that's life. I could go on and on about how it's WRONG that how we look affects so much of how we feel about ourselves but you know what, as true as that is, it ain't reality. Fact is, when I'm at a healthy weight, I feel happier. When I got back to my pre-pregnancy weight after Jane and then, yes I'm bragging, got back down to my wedding weight (it took 18 months and a lot of projects to keep me not bored), I felt like me again and it was awesome.
I hope there's understanding out there... if not, I guess you're all out there thinking "man, this chick is crazy" but you know what, the benefit of that is that you're probably feeling pretty fan-freakin-tastic about your own sanity right now so WOOT WOOT, it's a win-win. :p
With regards to the rest of the pregnancy, I mean there's not much else going on right now except the weight gain and maybe that's why it's such a focus. I guess, this week, I'm technically half way there. Which seems insane because the middle of the summer (I'm due end of July if you're just tuning in) seems like FOREVER away at this point.
I was snuggling with Jane this morning and thinking... man. I can't believe I'm going to have another "baby" like this. It's so hard to imagine loving another person so much. Maybe the extra few pounds we carry post babies is because our hearts have grown so much. AHHHH. I am so corny and annoying sometimes. :p Rarely. Ask Dan. It's rare.
Oh, I just remembered. Dan and I are having a date night tomorrow night - woot woot (thanks Shari - the best babysitter in the world)! We've decided, since we can't get away for a vacation pre-baby due to Dan's work schedule and having no money, that we'll have a date night every month until the baby comes. Tomorrow night is japanese... nummy, nummy.
Have a great weekend!