Mar 9, 2012

20 weeks pregnant

Tonight, I took the time to dig out my pregnancy journal from when I was pregnant with Jane to see what I was feeling with pregnancy numero uno at this point...

Seems I was very excited that "baby was kicking all the time now!" as I took the time to write it out on a page that had no space for me to write anything... as if the exact date mattered. Ah, first time moms... :p tee hee hee. Apparently I was walking every morning to keep us healthy... I should be motivated by my previous self but I'm more annoyed by her trying to do everything "perfectly".

What I really wanted to know, in all honesty, was how much weight I had on at this point in the last pregnancy. I know. I know. You are probably annoyed, frustrated, bothered, etc. at how much I focus on the weight gain. And, truthfully, I considered saying "hey, last time I had 14 lbs on so I'm doing about the same" and just glossing over it but, you know what, that ain't me baby. I am who I am and I share it with you. And the weight gain is bothering the F out of me this time.

Last time, I had no idea what to expect, no idea what was in the future. THIS TIME, I know. I know what it feels like to see pictures of your self post-baby and hate how you look. I know what it feels like to buy size ___ pants and want to die because you can't believe you're that big still - I left the size out because, here's the thing, it's not about being the "perfect" size or being skinny or whatever. It's about being the right size for you.

I also know what it's like to get down to that right weight again. To wear clothes that you dreamed of wearing when you were pregnant and after. To get back into those jeans that are the ultimate achieved goal - I'm not talking about your pre-pregnancy jeans - I'm talking about the jeans, the jeans you've held on to through all the ups and downs because they are so fantastic but ONLY fit you when you're at your smallest. THOSE jeans... Basically, I know what it feels like to be proud of yourself and to feel sexy and attractive again. I also know how long it took me to get there and how bad it sucked along the way. So, yeah. I focus on the weight gain of pregnancy. And, yeah, it bothers the heck out of me. And, YEAH, I wish it didn't. And, YEAH, I know that I'm supposed to gain weight. And, YEAH, I know that I'm not over weight and all that other crap - I'm not writing about this so everyone will try to reassure me, anyone who knows me, knows I hate that crap. And, NO, I'm definitely not trying not to gain weight... in fact, I think I'm eating more this time because I am so stressed about the weight gain. I have the trifecta... I eat when I'm stressed. I eat when I'm tired. I eat when I'm bored.

I'm pretty sure I have an insanely fabulous metabolism, otherwise, I should literally be 500 lbs at this point. No joke. You can hate me for that, yes. Some times I wonder if I have a worm or something that eats all my calories. Some times, after a row of Oreos, I wish I had a worm that ate all my calories... :p

I think, most women who are pregnant with their second or have been will understand when I say that it's not that I am grouchy about the weight I'm putting on right now. I know that's healthy. I know that's necessary. It partly excites me because I know the baby is growing! What I'm dreading is 20 weeks from now... when I have to face what's happened in the mirror, and deal with the consequences. And, for those of you who don't have kids or haven't had kids yet, in case it ain't obvious... you aren't facing the consequences on fair ground. You're not looking at your chubby, saggy, self, full of energy and ready to hit the pavement. You're looking at the bags under your eyes, your frizzy hair, your pimply face. You're happily still wearing your maternity clothes that, at this point, make you feel like Kate Moss. You're happily devoting every minute of yourself to your sweet angel. You put it off. Some of you won't have to. Some of you will find the time, some of you will have the will power, some of you will have the weight gone in weeks. I have no idea how many of you out there are like me, though, and I'd venture to guess that it's more than we'd like to admit.

Do I think this is unhealthy? Do I think it's wrong for me to worry so much about it and think so much about the post-baby weight? Honestly, not really. I wish I didn't put so much value on it but I think that's life. I could go on and on about how it's WRONG that how we look affects so much of how we feel about ourselves but you know what, as true as that is, it ain't reality. Fact is, when I'm at a healthy weight, I feel happier. When I got back to my pre-pregnancy weight after Jane and then, yes I'm bragging, got back down to my wedding weight (it took 18 months and a lot of projects to keep me not bored), I felt like me again and it was awesome.

I hope there's understanding out there... if not, I guess you're all out there thinking "man, this chick is crazy" but you know what, the benefit of that is that you're probably feeling pretty fan-freakin-tastic about your own sanity right now so WOOT WOOT, it's a win-win. :p

With regards to the rest of the pregnancy, I mean there's not much else going on right now except the weight gain and maybe that's why it's such a focus. I guess, this week, I'm technically half way there. Which seems insane because the middle of the summer (I'm due end of July if you're just tuning in) seems like FOREVER away at this point.

I was snuggling with Jane this morning and thinking... man. I can't believe I'm going to have another "baby" like this. It's so hard to imagine loving another person so much. Maybe the extra few pounds we carry post babies is because our hearts have grown so much. AHHHH. I am so corny and annoying sometimes. :p Rarely. Ask Dan. It's rare.

Oh, I just remembered. Dan and I are having a date night tomorrow night - woot woot (thanks Shari - the best babysitter in the world)! We've decided, since we can't get away for a vacation pre-baby due to Dan's work schedule and having no money, that we'll have a date night every month until the baby comes. Tomorrow night is japanese... nummy, nummy.

Have a great weekend!


Dawn said...

I'm jealous that you got back to your pre-pregnancy weight after Jane, let alone your wedding weight!

I'm not gaining nearly as much this time, but I started out MUCH heavier. I was actually 7lbs heavier week 6 this time than leaving the hospital last time. How embarrassing. Needless to say, I still have a bin of clothes that have been neglected since 2009, and I am hoping to one day wear again.

We're close to the same height and I should be closer to your size, so our post weight-loss efforts should be similar. I'm definitely looking forward to it!

The Monsons said...

Amen. Everything you said, amen. I'm obsessed or extremely aware of my weight gain this time around because of just what you said. I know how hard it is to look at yourself afterwards, and to work it all off! So I'm with ya, and thankfully since I am more aware I have been doing much better than the 1st time around, I've gained much less so far (however I am starting out around 8 lbs heavier than before). Today is week 22 for me, and I've gained 10 lbs. My goal is to gain less than 25 though, so we'll see how that goes!

Love date nights, we just had a two day vacation and it was great!

Janine Hussey said...

I whole heartedly agree with every statement and sentiment in this post. It's hard NOT to think about the after-baby ramifications of the weight gain. At least we each have a buddy this time to support and encourage when times are tough!!