Oct 22, 2009

Sperm Donors and Egg Suppliers

Sperm donors and egg suppliers... This post is not about fertility clinics. I'm referring to the people who supply the biological components necessary to create a child but don't have the selflessness and strength necessary to parent that child. Excluded from this "elite" group (sarcasm, obviously) are those who give up their babies through adoption due to extraordinary circumstances.

Biology is nothing without bonding. I am not Jane's Mom because I gave birth to her. I am Jane's Mom because I love her, I nurture her, I put her needs above my own... she is my heart.

The thought I've struggled with since becoming a Mom is comprehending how anyone could EVER voluntarily walk away from their children. It just seems completely insane to me. I can't leave for 10 minutes without craving to be around Jane again. What type of person can walk away from their babies (let's face it, I'm 26 and I'm still my Mom's baby)?

When Jane was born I remember thinking about adoptive parents. I questioned whether they could have as strong a bond with their baby because they didn't provide the "biology". This was until I realized, and quickly, that this is complete nonsense. Although adoptive parents do not provide the biology, they provide the more important things, the selflessness and strength, the love and nurturing, the heart. My Dad is basically an adoptive parent but, honestly, I don't even like saying that as I feel like it somehow suggests that he's not 100% my Dad. People say we look alike and it makes us crack up... but it's not because we physically look alike, it's that, after 26 years together we have similar mannerisms. My Dad is my Dad because he was my chauffeur, my chef, my doctor, my tutor, my mechanic, my carpenter, my mover, my pony, my therapist... not because we have the same genetics.

How do you explain to someone who isn't a parent what it actually means and feels like to be a parent... I don't think you can. We try to explain to others what it feels like - a love so strong you never knew it existed - and they nod their heads and smile in "understanding". But you cannot understand unless you've experience that love yourself.

As I hear Jane through the monitor, waking for her 4:30am feed, I am not annoyed. I do not pity myself for no longer getting uninterrupted sleep every night. I smile. Because I am her Mom and she needs me... and I need her just as much.

Jen :)

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Ange said...

Such a sweet post Jen!! My favourite quote is "having a child is making the decision to have your heart walk outside your body forever"

Anonymous said...

Very beautifully written! I love it! :)

Jordan Mills said...

So beautiful Jenny! And I agree with you 100%.

Our families should know, were not related biologically but we are like family. Aunt Pam and Uncle Lloyd :)

Anonymous said...

I never comment but had to as this was such a beautiful post, also enjoyed the pictures.

Jessica said...

Jen, I'm glad you shared your heart here (as you always do). I, for one, was not upset or disappointed by what I read here. Bravo.

Nikki said...

I have to say I agree with you 100%. Beautifully said :)

Kim said...

So, I gather from your later post that you must have gotten some bad feedback on this one, but I can't see why. I am 1 week away from delivering my 1st-born, and he was conceived using donor eggs since I am too old for my eggs to be any good. Our donor is a wonderful woman who gave us an incredible gift. But in our case, it is not the same as what you were talking about. She did not carry and bear a child and then walk away. Unfortunately, I do know several people (myself included) whose biological fathers did just that - walked away and never looked back. That's what you're talking about, and I agree. I cannot see how anyone can simply walk away from their child.

Jen said...

Thanks everyone. You are right, Kim, I am definitely not talking about situations similar to how your sweet babe was conceived.

Good luck with everything - so exciting!

As far as the feedback I received... I got nothing but fabulous comments and support from my wonderful blog buddies, like yourself.

Anonymous said...

I hate to leave a harsh comment, but you to be ashamed of yourself for prefacing your thoughts by referring to "the people... don't have the selflessness and strength necessary to parent the child".

The view from your Ivory Tower must be nice... not everyone is able to conceive a child naturally, and those "people" who aid others in the process have their own reasons for helping others. It's simply not your place to judge. They are not selfish people.

I'm sure this post will be deleted soon, but I just had to comment. I used to love reading your blog, but will no longer be visiting.

Jen said...

I would never delete your comment... it's unfortunate you took this post that way as "the people" I am referring to are DEFINITELY not the same people you are talking about.

Sperm donors and egg suppliers is not meant literally... it is meant to describe parents who actually conceive their own children and then walk away (basically only supplying their DNA). It is not meant towards those people who are helping others to have babies... we should only be thankful for those unselfish enough to do that.


Jen said...

I just re-read the post, for the 1000 time... and I'm thinking you must have just read the first paragraph before writing me off. I'm sure had you continued reading the rest of the post you would have seen that, as I said, this post was not about fertility clinics! :)

Hope you'll come back to MOmMy bRain.

Wish you had of left me some contact info or not commented anonymously so I could contact you and chat :)


Anonymous said...

The reason some people can't be in their childs life isn't always because of a lack of selflessness or strength or because they have extraordinary circumstances. Try to put yourself in other folks shoes sometimes.

I have to agree, it does appear that you are writing from an ivory tower. You could have written this same post but with the tone that you just don't understand how some people don't chose to be in their childs life, instead you took it one step forward.

It does appear on your blog that you expect people to agree with you and if they don't you get on the devensive.

Just because you have a blog doesnt mean everyone has to agree with you.

Jen said...

This is the blessing and the curse of a blog... as my hubby has said to me a bazillion times since writing this post "well, now you've learned that you have to be careful about the way you say things as you don't know how it will be taken".

When I wrote this post, I was thinking about my own experience in which a parent chose to walk away with no special circumstances. My wording should have been more clear and not so vague.

To be clear now - I am not talking about, judging or criticizing anyone except those who choose, for no good reason, to walk away from their children.

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