Sep 18, 2009

Nightmares

I thought nightmares ended when you became a teenager?!?!

Apparently, I was mistaken. I guess, thinking back to it... every "job" I've had has given me nightmares. When I was a waitress, I had nightmares that the restaurant was full and I was the only one working. When I was a drug-rep, I had nightmares about docs asking me question after question that I didn't know the answers to. So, I guess with my new "job" as a Mom, it should be no different. But it is.

I've probably had 4-5 nightmares to date about something heartbreaking happening to Jane. I can't even describe how they make me feel - there are no words. I, literally, have to go inside my dream and tell myself I can wake up and it will be over. The most horrible part is that, when I'm dreaming, it seems so real. So real, in fact, that I find myself waking up so tense, unsettled, upset, horrified that it takes awhile to fall back to sleep - and usually only after I've checked on Jane 45 times. I lay there thinking about the dream - how overwhelmingly upset (upset is not even a good enough word) I am in the dream and, of course, this leads to thinking about what would happen if something really did happen to Jane. I can't think about it now as it's left for those middle of the night thoughts that consume your mind not allowing you to focus your thoughts anywhere else... during the day, my mind can't even go there, thank God.

Honestly, now that I really think about it, I don't think I've had a good dream since Jane was born... if I dream at all, it's always a nightmare. Thankfully, it doesn't happen often! Is that common? I suppose it makes sens as I'm not getting the deep sleep I used to.

I guess this post is kind of a downer - sorry! My nightmares, thankfully not real, make me realize how lucky I am that Jane is healthy and that all is going well so far. I remember when I was growing up my Mom always telling me that she had a sister who passed away when she was 6 weeks old and that my Nan always counted her as one of her children. I'm pretty sure I used to think that was strange. I get it now more than anything. Had anything happened to Jane, even during the early weeks of pregnancy, I would include her as one of my children and there would never be another Jane. I can't imagine having lost her at 6 weeks or ever. My heart goes out to those Moms who have ever suffered the loss of their baby (at any age) or had to deal with health-scares... I can't imagine the pain.

I know the exponential increase in worries for a new Mom are common... I don't expect that my mind will ever be at ease again. Since having Jane, I've found a stronger attachment to having faith and, suddenly, find myself praying nightly again like I did when I was a kid. My prayers usually consist of a bazillion thank you's (literally, one after the other - "thank you, thank you, thank you..." ha ha ha), asking to keep Jane safe and healthy and asking that our family can have a long, happy life together. I feel like whatever I can do to increase the chances that she will have a good life, I will do it religiously (no pun intended).

OK, feel like this post has been too serious but wanted to share my thoughts, worries, everything in hopes that, as usual, someone out there will say they're going through the same thing and that eventually I'll realize they are just dreams.

xo
Jen :)

PS - Gotta go watch Vampire Diaries while Jane naps... it seems I am addicted to everything vampire these days! :p

8 comments:

Jill said...

I completely understand Mama! Since becoming a mom, I really have a complete whole new sets of worries; including dreams. I go through the same process of waking up super tensed and then think about if something bad were to happen. I stayed up til 1am figuring out a plan if a fire were to happen... in every single room! I already have so many worries, I am not looking forward to when he gets older and comes home past curfew!

Megan said...

It's so crazy huh? I thought I was the only one having crazy dreams--nightmares--but I quickly found out I was not! Here is my post about that...
http://jandmsmith.blogspot.com/2009/08/dreaming-of-co-sleeping.html

mommycain said...

ugh, the dreaded nightmares, you haven't REALLY experienced one until you're a mommy. I try not to think about it after I have them, but god, theres nothing worse :(

If you're into everything vampire these days (I'm right there with you) I've heard from several people that the Sookie Stackhouse novels/Southern Vampire Mysteries are even BETTER then the Twlight series)(If thats even possible?!)I just ordered the first couple in at my library so I haven't had a chance to read them yet, but i've been promised that they are good!

MommyBrain said...

The nightmares are tough ... really, really tough. Had one last night about NHV running into the street and ... well, I can't even type the rest ... ugh! When I do have these awful visions, I imagine what my own mom must've gone through with four of us, especially through the teenage years ... can't even imagine how scary that must be for parents. At least now we can keep our babies safely within our reach, but those teenage years are a whole other story :)

Jessica said...

It's definitely common. I have these spells where I wake up in the middle of the night PANICKED because for some reason I think Leah was in the bed with us and has gotten covered and smothered by our sheets and comforter. I start flinging the covers everywhere, scaring my husband to death, because I just know she's suffocating somewhere under there. It's so awful. I have no idea WHY I would even think she was in bed with us, because we've never done that.

In any case, I share that nightmare with you to say that no, again, you're not alone. =)

Angelene said...

I keep dreaming that Abby is in my arms in bed with me, and I can't figure out why she's crying in the other room. It's not exactly a nightmare, but it has definitely left me worried and confused, because she doesn't sleep in our bed, so I'm not sure why she's there in my dreams?!

Hope your nightmares clear up!

Mandy Jo said...

I had such bad dreams that I talked to my doctor! I thought I was a freak! Of course all of mine where when Mist was first born and I had these wierd dreams that her bio mom would come back and kidnap her and I would never see her again. Night after night..finally they stopped..now I have dreams about things like her getting made fun of at school, getting hurt at recess..etc. it never ends..welcome to motherhood:)

Anonymous said...

Hi I think that as a mother It is a pretty normal phenomenon to experience some alleviated fear about the well being of your child, I can honestly say as a medical professional that this is normal and is a vital part of motherhood. I think you are doing great keep up the good work and yes, welcome to parenting 101